


Learning a New Song

by SerStolas



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Destroy Ending, F/M, Post-Mass Effect 3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-08-21 23:53:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 34,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8265022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerStolas/pseuds/SerStolas
Summary: Two years after the Reaper War, a battered Audra Shepard faces a more difficult battle.  She has closed herself off from her remaining friends, but they're not ready to let her go just yet. With some help, Shepard finds the courage to fight her way back.Many chapters in this story will be inspired by various songs and some of the lyrics will be posted at the top of the chapter.  Songs are copyrighted by their respective singers.  FShep who originally romanced Kaidan in ME1 and romanced Thane in ME2.  Kaidan did not rejoin the Normandy in ME3.  Mature rating due to content.  This story deals with some fairly heavy themes and has M/M and F/F relationships with some of the secondary characters.





	1. Sober

**Author's Note:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Sober" copyright Pink

_"Sober" - Pink_  
_When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'till it goes bad_  
_'Till you're trying to find the you that you once had_  
_I have heard myself cry, never again_  
_Broken down in agony just tryin' to find a friend_

Audra Shepard, force of nature.  
   
That had been one of Cortez’s favorite jokes when they’d all still been on the Normandy.  In many ways he was right.  Shepard’s impressive career included surviving Akuze, defeating Saren and Sovereign, and defeating the Reapers.  She’d lost a squadmates on Akuze and then one on Virmire, stared down the barrel of a gun at her best friend and then lost her lover during the attempted Cerberus coupe.

All that took its toll on a person.  When she’d had the war against the Reapers to win and something to destroy, Audra had focus.  But now that the war was over, she felt like she’d lost it completely.

Audra lay on the cool concrete of her porch, in front of the prefab house that overlooked Coronado.  Her head pounded from a combination of lying on concrete, lack of real sleep, and too much whiskey the night before.  It hadn’t even been good whiskey, but whatever cheap stuff she could find at the base commissary.    
She groaned as the first rays of dawn spilled onto the porch, piercing through her eyelids and making her headache even worse.  She curled in on herself for a moment, trying to will the pain away.  A stray thought that she should get back into her prefab before one of her neighbors discovered the Great Commander Shepard with a hangover on her porch.  Blindly she reached for the doorknob and heard a soft click at the door unlocked at her finger print.  She dragged herself inside to the darkness of her living room, kicking the door shut with one foot as she finally made it onto the tile floor.

The tile was cool, though not as cool as the concrete outside, but she laid her throbbing head on it anyway, hoping that none of her neighbors had seen her.  It had to be the second time this month she’d woken up on the concrete outside her front door. 

She curled into the fetal position.  After dragging herself inside she didn’t have the energy to go and get painkillers, or even water, though she knew she needed it.

Audra didn’t care.  She hadn’t cared since they’d found her half-dead among the debris of the Citadel.  She hadn’t cared when she’d lost her leg to her injuries, or when they’d had to replace her hand with a cybernetic one.  She’d gone through physical therapy and learning to walk on the prosthetic only because Vega and Cortez had forced her to go to every appointment.  
She’d sat in her wheelchair at David Anderson’s funeral in silence, only half aware of those around her.  She’d responded to the news that the Normandy had returned to use with a mute nod.  It was easy to pretend she didn’t have much of a voice after all the damage her body had sustained when the Citadel had been blown apart.  And even though her hearing was fine after she’d received a new implant, she sometimes still pretended she couldn’t hear very well.

Two years had come and gone since the destruction of the Reapers, and Audra seemed content to let the world pass by around her.  It had been almost 10 months since she’d moved to Coronado, well, essentially San Diego.  Cortez and Vega had insisted that she get out of London and see a new city.  So they’d taken her to the Alliance Base at Coronado.  While the two of them had eventually returned to service on the Normandy SR2, Shepard had elected to stay behind on Coronado.   
The Alliance eagerly offered her a place back in its ranks, but again, Audra just couldn’t bring herself to give a damn about anything.  She’d only stayed in Coronado because it had beaches, and Thane had mentioned once how much he liked beaches, and had spoken of their sea Goddess.

“Maybe someday I’ll meet you on that shore,” Audra murmured from a sore throat.  God, she missed Thane.  She missed his easy, tender smile at her, the feel of his cool skin against her own.  She’d known eventually she would lose him, but she hadn’t expected it to be so abrupt.  

Another thing to curse Cerberus for.

Poor Kolyat…maybe she should try and contact him again.  He’d sent her a message awhile back about getting married a few months ago. She vaguely remembered sending him a wedding gift. She was also fairly certain she'd gotten black out drunk on the day of the wedding and hadn't left her house. At least she hadn't done that at the wedding.

Eventually Audra worked up the strength to drag herself to the kitchen and get a bottle of water. The water sources around here were still questionable even after two years because of all the Reaper debris, so bottled water was the norm right now. After she'd downed two bottles and eaten half a pack of crackers, she felt marginally better.

So what now?

Though she had a pounding headache, now that she was sober she could feel the emptiness of the house all around her. She'd been alone for so damned long now. Thane was gone, the Reapers were dead, what was really holding her to this earth? Why the hell had she even survived the fall from the Citadel? Why couldn't she just have died like Anderson.  
Audra buried her head in hands and bit back a sob. She hated this, all of it. All she did most days was sit in her prefab house, or on the porch staring out at the water, and drink. Her pension from the Alliance was enough to pay for this place, her groceries, and the alcohol. She left calls and messages from her former crew unanswered, trying to medicate herself to numbness with the alcohol when the painkillers hadn't worked.

She still had a bottle of the painkillers in the bedroom. With her injuries she still experienced a fair amount of pain now and again. Enough pills and enough alcohol, perhaps she would just slip away. Fall asleep and never wake up. She sat there on her worn out couch, thinking about the bliss of that eternal darkness, where the loneliness wouldn't haunt her anymore, where the nightmares would end and she might finally find some peace.  
It was so fucking tempting.

Her omni-tool pinged with a message. 

A message from Kolyat's lovely young wife flickered across the screen, thanking Shepard for the seashell pottery she'd sent as a wedding gift, and asking if Shepard would like to visit them on the mostly rebuilt Citadel where Kolyat was working with C-Sec. They had just found out they were expecting their first child and wanted to share the news with her.  
Through blood shot, red rimmed eyes, Audra red the message once, and then twice.

“What the fuck am I think?”

She rose to her feet, rubbing at her forehead. “I can't fucking kill myself...”

In that horrible moment, a single message with the promise of a new life seemed to break through the darkness that surrounded Shepard. Thane wouldn't have wanted her to die. He had sacrificed his life so she would live.

Shepard into the kitchen and stared at the half empty bottles of vodka and whiskey on the counter.  
Getting drunk day after day and passing out on her porch wasn't doing her any good...instead she was just slowly drinking herself to death. It was just as bad as wanting to actively kill herself.

“Never again,” she swore to herself.


	2. Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's former crewmates worry about her and decide its time to visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Hold On" copyright Good Charlotte

_”Hold On” – Good Charlotte_  
_But we all bleed the same way as you do_  
_And we all have the same things to go through_  
_Hold on, if you feel like letting go_  
_Hold on, it gets better than you know_  
_Don't stop looking, you're one step closer_  
_Don't stop searching, it's not over_  
_Hold on_

The Normandy SR2 slid into dock on the Citadel under the direction of one Jeff Moreau and under the command of Major Coats. Six months prior, the Normandy had made its first trip through a Relay since the Mass Relays had been repaired, and had spent the past several months on a trip cataloging the reconstruction efforts on various planets. Major Coats hadn’t originally wanted to take command of the ship, as the position had originally be held by Commander, now Captain Audra Shepard. But the Captain had been placed on an extended leave, and finally accepted medical retirement after her last assignment. As Major Kaidan Alenko, the second choice for Command, had been busy with another assignment, Major Coats had reluctantly accepted.

The crew finished their final checks and gathered their things before deboarding, looking forward to an extended shore leave.

James Vega stood on the loading dock with Steve Cortez and gaze at the Citadel rising above them. “Guess they got a bit more fixed up since the last time we were here,” he remarked. “Wonder if any of the clubs are reopened. I would like an actual date night with you for once.”

“Drinks and dancing?” Steve asked in amusement as he slipped an arm around his husband’s waist. “I could go for that. Then spend the rest of the evening in a hotel room.”

“Not just the evening, Mi Amor,” Vega replied. “Sure we’ve got quarters on the ship, but the idea of privacy without the possible interruption of orders? I like that even better.”

“Get a room you two,” Garrus barked from behind them as he and Tali deboarded from the ship.

“I could tell you two the same,” Steve smirked at the dextro couple. “So when’s the wedding?”

“We want confirmation from Shepard she’ll be able to make it before we set the final date,” Tali replied from behind her visor. She glanced towards the Citadel. “I wonder if she’s made it to the Citadel yet.”

James and Steve exchanged a frown. “She hasn’t answered any of your messages?”

Tali shook her head and Garrus clicked his mandibles together. “She hasn’t answered any of mine either.”

Steve’s frown deepened. “Has she talked to anyone since we left her in San Diego ten months ago?”

Liara appeared on the docking bay and joined them with an answer to that question. “No, at least none of us. My sources tell me that Shepard has not left Coronado. She occasionally talks to her neighbors, but she spends most of her time in her house or on the porch…drinking.”

“Dios,” James swore. “Has she disconnected herself that much?” He didn’t ask where Liara had gotten her information. As the Shadow Broker the Asari seemed to have eyes everywhere.

Liara nodded sadly. “The Commander..Captain Shepard we knew is not the one hiding in her house. The only way we know she is still alive is that Dr. Chakwas keeps tabs on her medical records and my sources occasionally see her emerge to go to the Commissary on base.”

Looks of worry spread through Shepard’s former crew. Audra Shepard had managed to pull them all through hell and had been there countless times when they had needed her. Now they wondered if she needed them. More glances were exchanged and omni-tools came out, rapidly checking through, and then typing messages. 

“Lets all get settled and meet later this evening,” Liara suggested to the group. 

Tali, Garrus, Steve, Vega, and even Javik echoed their agreement. Liara paused a moment to look back towards the ship, considering asking Joker if he wanted to meet, but she doubted that the pilot would leave the ship. They never had managed to get EDI back into her old body, something about whatever had affected the Reapers had knocked all AIs offline as well and they hadn’t been able to restore them. They had, however, managed to resurrect some form of EDI on the Normandy, and Jeff wasn’t about to leave that.

Once Steve and James were settled in their temporary quarters, they settled onto a couch and reviewed a message they intended to send to Shepard.

“Should we tell her we’re coming?” Vega asked, frowning.

“I doubt she’ll check it if she hasn’t checked anything else, but we should at least try and warn her to expect company,” Steve replied. “And that everyone else is intending to come along too.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Shepard was the one who helped me get over Robert’s death, helped me move on…we can’t leave her like this.”

“And I will be forever grateful to her for that,” James replied, pressing surprisingly gentle lips against Steve’s own. 

_To: Audra Shepard_  
_From: James Vega_  
_Hey Lola, we’re finally back from the Mass Relay survey. Things are looking a bit better than we expected. There’s still a lot of rebuilding going on, but I think you’d be glad to see the progress made.  
We’ve got extended Shore leave and Steve and I were thinking about visiting San Diego. We’ll stop by and see you. We’ll see you in a few days. Hold on, Shepard. It gets better, I promise._

_Signed, James Vega_

~~  
Shepard stood at her sink, pouring another bottle of cheap liquor down the drain when her omni-tool beeped with another message. Normally she would just ignore it, just like she had for the past several months. But she set the empty bottle down and pulled up the tool.  
  
As Vega’s words scrolled across the screen, she took a deep breath. Company in a few days? She glanced up at the empty bottles in various parts of the apartment, the random clothing laying about, and the fact that she hadn’t properly cleaned in god knew how long. 

  


She gripped the counter with her cybernetic left hand for several moments before she finally forced herself to hit reply.

_See you then. – Shepard_


	3. It Took a Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is forced to face the death of someone she knows, and helps out a friend in their time of need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Life is Beautiful" copyright Sixx A.M.

_”Life is Beautiful” – Sixx A.M._  
_You can't quit until you try_  
_You can't live until you die_  
_You can't learn to tell the truth_  
_Until you learn to lie_  
_You can't breathe until you choke_  
_You gotta laugh when you're the joke_  
_There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive_

17:00 hours came and went, and Audra still hadn’t had a drink since the night before.

She found herself trying to keep herself busy cleaning up the house since Vega and Cortez would evidently be visiting in a couple days. Anything to keep her mind off the temptation to have a drink. She’d already dumped every ounce of liquor in the house down the drain and placed the bottles in the communal recycling bin at the end of the street. A couple of her neighbors had been surprised to see her outside. They’d waved, and one had actually come up to her and said hello.

Other than words from the cashier at Commissary, Audra realized they’d been the first people she’d really spoken to in at least two months. That she’d gone that long without must real human contact was actually a bit disturbing. She was almost back to her apartment when a young woman approached her.

She frowned momentarily, trying to put a face to a name…Maria, that was it, Maria Sanchez, the niece of Shepard’s next door neighbor, Joseph Sanchez. Even though Shepard hadn’t responded to his weekly inquiries of how she was for a few weeks when he saw her returning from Commissary, she still liked the man. Joseph was only a few years older than she was, but he’d inhaled a lot of debris when he’d been trapped for days beneath a building during the Reaper War. His health had never been the best, but he’d taken Maria in after the war, after her parents’ bodies had been located. Now twenty, Maria didn’t really have anyone but her uncle, and they’d been friendly with Shepard since she’d moved here ten months before.

“Maria? What’s wrong?” she asked the younger woman, her voice cracking from disuse. She cleared her throat and plowed on. “What’s up?”

“They took my uncle by ambulance to the hospital on base this morning, he was coughing up blood,” Maria replied in a hollow voice. That immediately set Audra on edge.

“Is he-?” Shepard couldn’t bring herself to say the words.

“An hour ago,” Maria said softly as tears started pouring down her cheeks. “They…they’re asking me to make arrangements.”

“Oh hell, Maria,” Shepard felt her heart twist and pulled the younger woman into a tight hug. Within moments she felt Maria’s heaving sobs against her shoulder. Joseph and Maria had been two people who checked on Shepard and kept talking to her, even when she wouldn’t answer back. And now one of them was dead due to complications from a war that never should have happened.

Shepard lead an unresisting Maria to her front door and opened it with her finger print, leading the woman into the now clean living room. She kicked the door shut behind her and lead Maria to the couch to sit. “Need some water?”

Maria nodded mutely, tear still streaming from her cheeks. 

Shepard got a bottle of water from the kitchen and returned to the couch. She watched Maria curl her fingers around the bottle after taking a short drink. Shepard thought momentarily of all the funerals she’d seen for comrades while in the Alliance Navy, and how she’d originally expected to have her own after firing the crucible.

“I can help with arrangements,” she offered after a moment. “I can figure out whom to call on base, they’ll handle a lot of the details and can bury him in a military cemetery, or arrange for cremation, if you prefer. Joseph was a vet, it’s the least they owe him. Though you’ll have to sign all the paperwork since you’re family.”

Maria took a deep breath and nodded. “Th-thank you, Shepard.”

“For you, Maria, anything,” Shepard promised.

~~

Shepard kept her word, calling the Alliance base the next day to help with arrangements and guided Maria through them, spending the next few days with the young woman so she wouldn’t be completely overwhelmed by everything.

Shepard envied Maria in some ways. While the young woman didn’t really have any more family, maybe a distant cousin somewhere or whatever, she had had a family once, a mother and father, a brother, an uncle, all who had loved her dearly. She felt ashamed of that envy, particularly since Maria didn’t have anyone now. Shepard only had distant memories of her parents. She had more memories of the gang she’d joined as a teenage orphan, and then joining the Alliance at 18. 

Three days later, everything was in place. After the first full day, Maria had returned to sleeping in the house she’d lived in with her uncle, rather than Shepard’s couch. She said she had to get used to her new normal at some point. At least she wasn’t homeless, since Joseph had willed anything left to his niece. 

Audra stood in front of her bathroom mirror, adjusting the jacket of her dress blues. She’d scrambled to find a tailor last night to take them in, realizing yesterday they didn’t fit as well as they used to. She’d definitely lost weight since the end of the war. She recalled the tailor on base staring briefly at her prosthetic left leg and hand and suspected the woman had recognized her since she’d been willing to stay passed closing time to finish the alterations that evening. 

There was a knock at the door as she buttoned the final button. A glance at the clock said it was 09:00 hours, at least two hours before Maria said she would be over, and another few hours before the funeral. She shrugged and headed for the front door, limping slightly on her prosthetic.

“Maria?” she inquired as she keyed the door open, then blinked when she saw James Vega and Steve Cortez standing before her in their fatigues.

“Captain?” Vega inquired as he regarded her dress blues. 

“I’m going to a neighbor’s funeral this afternoon,” Shepard answered the unspoken question. She stepped aside and gestured for them to come in as she got over her initial surprise at seeing them on her doorstep. She had told them she’d see them in a few days. She just hadn’t been expecting today.

“Were you close to them?” Steve asked kindly as he and Vega entered the living room, briefly looking around. Both were a bit surprised to see no evidence of alcohol, though they could both tell Shepard looked tired and her fingers on her right hand twitched now and again.

“Not really close, but they kept an eye on me,” Shepard replied, suddenly feeling awkward. She hadn’t returned messages from any of her old crew in 10 months, she hadn’t seen any of them in just as long, and now two of them were standing in her living room, their expressions showing they were clearly worried about her. She sighed, forging on. “Joseph lived next door with his niece. He suffered a lot from injuries from the war. Unforunately he passed away a few days ago and I was helping his niece out with arrangements.”

“Military?” 

“Otherwise I wouldn’t be in these,” Shepard gave an almost bitter bark of laughter. She shook her head. “Sorry Vega, Cortez, it’s been a long few days. And you can stop staring at me as if I’m made of glass.”

“We were worried you..” Cortez’s voice trailed off as he looked around the apartment again.

“Worried that I was drinking myself to death?” Shepard asked bluntly. “Let me guess, Liara’s had me watched? She shrugged with feigned nonchalance. “I’ll admit it has been tempting. And I will admit I’ve been drinking more than I should but..” her voice trailed off and she looked away. “I don’t think Kolyat would forgive me if I up and died after his father sacrificed his life for me.”

“That’s good to hear,” Vega said slowly. “I don’t know if the crew would be able to forgive you either, Captain.”

Shepard looked back at him at that remark.

“We’ve all been horribly worried about you, Shepard. You held us together through the worst things any of us have ever seen,” James said, taking a daring move and placing a hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “None of us want to see you dead..you survived hell, now you need to do more than just exist.”

Audra gave a shuttering sigh. “That’s a lot to ask, Vega.”

“I know, but we’re not going to leave you alone in your hole again,” he said firmly. “Even if Steve and I have to drag you kicking and screaming out of it.” He straightened. “You can tell Steve and I where the funeral is and we’ll go back to the base hotel and get into our dress blues.”

“Thanks Vega…Cortez. I appreciate that, and I think Maria will too.”


	4. Break Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard manages to make it through the funeral. But seeing Kaidan there, with a fiancee in tow, sends her fragile confidence crashing down around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Far From Home" copyright Five Finger Death Punch

_”Far From Home” – Five Finger Death Punch_  
_All the places I've been and things I've seen_  
_A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams_  
_The faces of people I'll never see again_  
_And I can't seem to find my way home_  
_Cause it's almost like_  
_Your heaven's trying everything_  
_To break me down_  
_Cause it's almost like_  
_Your heaven's trying everything_  
_To keep me out_

When Shepard advised Maria two marines she knew were in town and would like to pay their respects to Joseph, Maria seemed relieved and insisted that Vega and Cortez sit near them. Maria had asked Shepard to sit with her earlier, since Joseph didn’t really have any other family, and she didn’t want to sit in the front row alone.

Most of those at the funeral were military or ex-military, not surprising given Joseph’s career. Several of them greeted Shepard with something akin to awe, something that made Audra rather uncomfortable. It was a good thing all of the award ceremonies and most memorials were many months behind them, but Audra found herself wanting to constantly remind people that there had been many heroes in the war…she wanted the focus off her own actions.

She, Vega, and Cortez took turns standing with Maria at the viewing, making sure the young woman had tissues and water, and someone to lean on if she needed it. Shepard thought Joseph would be proud of how well his niece was holding up.

She was taking a brief break near the front door of the funeral home when another solider in dress blues arrived with a woman wearing a discreet, form fitting black dress on his arm. She noted the Major’s rank symbol on his arm and shifted automatically to parade rest as the couple passed, not really paying much attention to their faces until the Major stopped short in front of her.  
“Shepard?” 

The shock in the Major’s voice brought Audra back to herself and she focused on the man’s face. She barely kept her jaw from dropping when she recognized him. “Alenko.” She offered a weak smile. “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it Major?”

“It has..Captain,” Kaidan replied. 

Audra suddenly remembered when he called her by her first name, when he’d lain beside her in bed and held her. But that was long ago, back before the first Normandy had been destroyed, back before Horizon, back before the Cerberus coupe on the Citadel. One decision she would always regret was not accepting his offer to rejoin the Normandy after that.

“Captain Shepard?” the dark haired, lovely woman on Kaidan’s arm inquired. She smiled brightly, too brightly, at Shepard. “I’m Rahna.”

“My fiancée,” Kaidan finished introducing her.

Audra had to fight to keep a straight face as she felt her heart twist and her head hurt at that announcement. Intellectually she couldn’t blame Kaidan for moving on..she’d moved on after Horizon, but Thane had been dead for two years now, and some part of Audra had hoped to see Kaidan under happy circumstances. 

Audra forced a slight smile. She could blame the occasion for not being completely overwhelmingly happy for them.

“Congratulations Ma’am. Major Alenko is a fine solider.” From the look in Rahna’s eyes she knew that Kaidan had told Rahna about his past with Shepard, just as he’d told Shepard of his past with Rahna years before. 

Rahna’s smile dimmed a bit on the words “fine soldier” and Audra wondered at that for a moment. Kaidan forged ahead with the conversation though. “You knew Commander Sanchez?” he asked.

Audra turned her gaze back to his well-remembered face. “Robert and his niece were my neighbors on Coronado,” she replied. “I’ve been helping Maria a bit for the past few days. You?”

“It’s good that you’re here with her,” Kaiden replied, his smile genuine. “You’ve always been that way.” He coughed lightly as he felt Rahna shift beside him. “Yes. I served with Robert before I was assigned to the Normandy.”

“I think Robert would have been happy that you came,” Shepard said sadly as she glanced back towards the room that held the casket. 

“So you live here in San Diego?” Kaidan asked curiously, and again his wife shifted beside him, but she kept that sunny smile plastered on her face.

“I moved here after I retired,” Audra replied. 

“I’m stationed here, at least for now, with a Biotics class. Surprised I haven’t seen you on base,” Kaidan said.

“Indeed, I surprised you don’t get more attention on base,” Rahna added.

“I, er, don’t get out much,” Shepard said softly. “Been a rough few years.” 

“Perhaps we could meet you later for lunch or coffee?” Rahna offered, still bright and cheerful, and Shepard wondered how much of it was forced, and why Rahna was even offering to meet with her fiancee’s old girlfriend.

“Maybe, sure,” Shepard forced out. She internally breathed a sigh of relief as Vega appeared at the room entrance and gestured for her. “I apologize, Kaidan, Rahna. Maria needs me. I’ll talk to you later.”

She made as quick an exit as she could to head back to Maria’s side. That conversation had felt exceedingly awkward, and more, she felt an emotional twinge of pain. But if she did actually meet with them, she’d smile until her face hurt if she had to. Kaidan wasn’t hers anymore, and he hadn’t been for a long time. She had no one but herself to blame for that. 

The rest of the viewing and funeral she stayed close to Maria, as much to support the younger woman emotionally as to avoid any further conversation with Kaidan and his fiancée. She briefly saw Vega and Cortez conversing with him. They seemed friendly, and it made Audra wonder again how much she’d missed by letting the world drift by her since the end of the War.

Rahna and Kaidan approached her one last time before they left, with a promise to get together with her sometime. She saw Maria home, and then she was alone in her own house again.

She sat on her couch stripped down to an under shirt and a pair of jeans, her hands literally shaking with the need to get a drink. She felt that familiar yearning to drink herself into a haze and avoid reality for another day. It was just as well she had thrown out all the alcohol. 

Her own choices had lead to this. Letting Thane go after the assassins, declining Kaidan’s offer to rejoin the Normandy. It was all her own fault.

She was alone again; as alone as she had been under the rubble, expecting to die. She felt the room closing in around her and leaned forward, dry heaving. She tipped forward and fell onto the floor, curling into a ball on the cool tile. 

Several minutes passed before she could numbly pull up her omni-tool and found herself calling Vega and Cortez’s hotel room.

“Lola?” came Vega’s voice after a few rings. She could hear Cortez say something in the background and felt a stab of guilt at what she must have interrupted. She should just..

“Help me, please,” she found herself sobbing onto her end of the line.

She heard movement on the other end. 

“Hold on, Lola, we’ll be there soon,” Vega promised.


	5. But I Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vega and Cortez convince Shepard to give living a try again, and she gains a family member.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Hurt" copyright Johnny Cash

_“Hurt” - Johnny Cash_  
 _I hurt myself today_  
 _To see if I still feel_  
 _I focus on the pain_  
 _The only thing that's real_    
 _The needle tears a hole_  
 _The old familiar sting_  
 _Try to kill it all away_  
 _But I remember everything_

Steve glanced at his watch. 00:30 hours and they were sitting in an all night dinner with Shepard.

When Steve Cortez had first met Shepard, he'd gotten the impression of a woman who would go to hell and back and not break a sweat. Over the months of serving on the Normandy, he had learned that she was far more human than many people were willing to admit. She cared about her team, she worried when they were injured and mourned when they were hurt. Somehow, though everything, she had held it together and saved the galaxy.

Now Shepard was the one who needed the help.

He glanced across the table at his husband and his former commanding officer as Shepard cradled a cup of black coffee in her hands and James leaned back against the booth, watching her and waiting, just letting the Commander talk.

“I was so fucking stupid,” she murmured over the mug. “Without you two I would have let myself slip away at the beginning, after they found me. I wouldn't have gone to PT, I wouldn't have gone to doctor's appointments. All I wanted to do after all of that was slip away quietly.” She gave Steve a half smile. “But you two won't let me do that, will you?”

“No Ma'am,” Steve said firmly. 

“I told you to stop calling me Ma'am,” she snorted. “I'm not your CO anymore.”

“You'll always be my CO,” Steve replied. “But no, James and I aren't going to let you slip away.”

“You survived all that shit for a reason, Lola.” James said seriously. “You need to find it in yourself to find something to live for. Kolyat and his wife, aren't they about to have a nino? And that girl, Maria, you helped her through yesterday, through the past few days.”

“She told us about you comforting her those first couple of days,” Steve agreed. 

“I don't want to intrude on anyone's life,” Shepard said weakly.

“Intrude, Dios, Shepard, I'm pretty sure you could go live with just about anyone from your crew and they'd be happy to have you there,” James swore. “Everyone's been worried about you. And I do mean everyone, even Javik.”

Shepard stared into her coffee.

“Come on, Shepard...why don't you come back to the Citadel with us? We're on leave for at least another few weeks before the Normandy ships out again. Anderson left that apartment to you, and Kolyat mentioned he'd like you to be there when the baby's born since you couldn't be there for the wedding.” Vega eyed her.

“Tali and Garrus are still waiting for your reply before they set the official date for their wedding,” Steve added. 

Shepard lifted her head and stared out at the black night beyond the dinner.

“Give me a couple of days to get things settled here...then I'll go back to the Citadel with you,” she said at last. “Though I'm keeping my place here, at least for now.”

“Not a bad idea, it's a nice city,” Steve agreed.

They spent another hour talking about how the crew of the Normandy was doing before Steve and Vega felt comfortable dropping Shepard back off at her place. They promised to go sightseeing with her in the morning, since she'd never really been sightseeing and she'd lived in the city for 10 months.

The thought of sightseeing with her old crew, now friends, wasn't a bad idea. It would give her something else to think about. Maybe she should see if Maria wanted to go.  
Shepard lay in bed staring at the ceiling that night. Finally she rolled over and closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep.

~~~

Audra stood in her bedroom and eyed the duffle on the bed, then the stack of clothing in her drawers. Even after retiring, she didn't have a lot of clothing. A few pairs of jeans, enough tshirts for a week, boots, and a bunch of hoodies. She really didn't have a lot to pack for a trip to the Citadel.

It had occurred to her that a trip to the Citadel was a perfect excuse to avoid Kaidan and his fiancee. If she wasn't in the city anymore, she wouldn't be available to meet for lunch. She still wasn't entirely sure what Rahna's angle was on that, though she was choosing to think the woman was sincere.

A knock at the door drew her attention back towards the living room. It was too early for Steve and James to be here. When she keyed the door open, she wasn't entirely surprised to see Maria there, though.

“What's up, Maria?” she asked. “Come in.”

Maria entered the house, glancing around once before she went to sit on the couch. 

“You okay?” Shepard asked, concerned.

“I've enlisted,” Maria said quietly. “And I kind of listed you as my next of kin.”

“Eh?” Shepard sat down beside the other woman. “You've enlisted, in the Alliance military? Why?”

Maria shifted from one side to the other before answering. “I wanted to join when I was younger but my parents wouldn't let me. But after seeing Uncle Joe, after seeing you..I still wanted to join. I don't really have anything holding me here but a crappy job, so I enlisted.”

“Okay,” Shepard said slowly. “I guess I can see it. I enlisted at 18. But it won't be easy. I've seen a lot of people die while I served.” She looked seriously at Maria. “It's dangerous too. Are you sure this is what you really want to do?”

“Yes,” Maria replied firmly. “I've thought about it off and on, I talked to my Uncle about it before he passed away. I'm sure.”

Shepard nodded. “Now what's this about you listing me as next of kin? We aren't exactly related.”

“No, but I don't have anyone left,” Maria said, her voice going quiet again. “I sat there staring at the next of kin lines on the forms, and I just couldn't leave them blank. I said you were my cousin.”

Shepard sat quietly for several moments. She remembered a similar young woman years before, staring at the next of kin line, with nothing to write on it. She remembered just how lonely she'd felt in that moment.

“Alright,” Audra said at last. “If anyone ever asks we'll make up some bullshit about me being adopted then losing contact with the family when my parents died. A lot of records have gotten lost because of the war, I doubt they'll question it too much.” She managed a smile. “But if you're claiming me as family, that means I get to claim you too.”

“I'm okay with that,” Maria said with the first smile Audra had seen on the woman's face since Joseph had passed away. 

Shepard told Maria about her planned trip to the Citadel. Maria started basic in a few weeks and would be traveling to the east coast for it, so the timing was right. Audra was glad she wouldn't be leaving Maria alone on Coronado. Shepard made mac and cheese for the two of them for dinner and then Maria headed home. 

For once as she sat on her couch that night, she didn't have an urge to get a drink. She had family, officially on record, no matter how specious the actual familial relationship. She knew she had friends who cared about her.

Something had broken through the darkness that had surrounded her for so long. She still had regrets, still had some things she wanted to avoid, but she was beginning to face reality again. For Maria, for Kolyat and his wife, for her former crew mates, she needed to stay sober.


	6. Flying without Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard reaches a milestone and gets an unexpected visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Learning to Fly" copyright Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

_”Learning to Fly” - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers_   
_Well some say life will beat you down_   
_Break your heart, steal your crown_   
_So I've started out for God knows where_   
_I guess I'll know when I get there_

 

She marked another red X across the old fashioned paper calendar hanging on the apartment wall. 

After that first day, Shepard began marking each day sober on the calendar, something to remind her every morning of her progress. She mentally tallied the count as she set the red pen down and nodded. One month and three days sober. It was the longest since she'd had a drink in months, and she felt some sense of accomplishment. Maybe she'd celebrate by buying one of those frou frou lattes from the coffee shop not far from her apartment.

Shepard took one day at a time, from the moment she woke up to when her head hit the pillow at night, or the clock chimed 06:00 hours on nights she didn't sleep. She spent a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time reevaluating what she was doing with her life.

Before the final push for the Crucible, the end of the Reaper War, her main focus had been on destroying the Reapers. She hadn't let herself really think beyond that, believing that the war would end up killing her. 

She'd never expected to wake up in a hospital after months in a coma. Somehow, the cybernetics that Cerberus had used to rebuild her had kept her alive beyond all odds, but even those cybernetics had been unable to save her left hand and leg. She'd been so numb to it all at the time that she hadn't cared when they had amputated the limbs.

Now she had to actually contemplate what it really meant. She had a chance that few had ever been granted, and previously, she'd been squandering it.

Shepard moved to the window and stared at the traffic moving outside, good hand and cybernetic one clasped behind her back. She knew that the Normandy would be shipping off again soon, once again without her at the helm. Since she'd retired, she couldn't exactly take command of the vessel, and the truth was she didn't trust herself to. 

She was pretty sure she'd already hit rock bottom, and there was no where to go from here but up. Learning to fly again.

She turned curiously when she heard a sharp knock at the door. While she'd spent much of the past few weeks visiting with her former crew, she wasn't expecting any of time tonight. Vega and Cortez were the most frequent visitors still, and the only ones who knew the complete truth about her breakdown, but she'd seen Garrus, Tali, Javik, and Liara several times, both individually and together. 

Garrus and Tali were still aboard the Normandy as representatives of their respective peoples while the Normandy made its survey flights. They'd also announced that their wedding would be held when the Normandy returned from it's next assignment, here on the Citadel, and Shepard promised to attend. 

She keyed the door open and blinked in surprise to see Major Coats standing there, dressed in fatigues verses the armor she remembered last seeing him in in London two years before.

“Major Coats?” she asked, stepping back to let him step inside. “To what do I owe this visit?”

The Major looked...uncomfortable for a moment as he stepped inside. “Captain Shepard. I wanted to talk to you about the Normandy.”

Shepard snorted. “Just Shepard, or Audra, Major. I'm retired. I'm making coffee, want some?” She lifted a brow as she filled the pot with water and added grounds to the basket. “It's shit coffee, but it's still coffee. Slightly better than what you get on board. Aren't you in command of the Normandy?”

“I was,” Coats replied as he let the door slide shut behind him and moved to the kitchen counter.

“Was?” Shepard asked, staring at him. 

“I accepted a position back on Earth, closer to my wife and daughter,” Coats replied. 

“So what are you doing here?” Shepard asked curiously. 

“I wanted your opinion of the Normandy, as it stands now.”

Shepard frowned at that, not entirely sure if she understood the question. She listened to the coffee drip into the pot for a long moment before she met his gaze across the countertop. “Why?”

“You commanded the Normandy for longer than anyone else alive. How do you think the crew is holding up?” Coats asked.

“That's an odd question to ask a former commander who hasn't been on the ship in two years, Major.” Shepard moved as she spoke, getting down two N7 coffee mugs and set them on the counter. “I didn't hear any complaints from my former crew about your Command. Any individual I've spoken to said you were steady and reliable, and held the crew together through a few tense confrontations. I know conditions on the various ports you visited isn't all sunshine and roses. You were very by the book, I'm told.”

“You did have a habit of bending rules occasionally, didn't you?” Coats asked. “Being a Spectre and all.”

“Something like that,” Shepard replied. She poured the coffee and passed a mug to him. “But no ship captain is ever going to be the same as another. With all of the uncertainly the Normandy may face, they need someone steady at the helm right now.” She frowned. “So who will be taking the helm since you're going back to Earth?”

“Admiral Hackett called Major Alenko in to take command of the Normandy,” Coats replied, taking a sip of the coffee while he gauged her reaction.

Audra took a long sip of coffee, watching the Major over the rim of her mug at that announcement, but she kept her expression unreadable. So Alenko was going to be taking her old command. She considered her words carefully before she replied. “He probably should have already had it,” Shepard said at last. “After the Cerberus incident during the Reaper War, Alenko volunteered to rejoin the Normandy, but I declined the offer at the time.” She shook her head. “I shouldn't have. Alenko's a good soldier, one that had my six in the past. He and I had our issues in the past, but I'd trust him in command of the Normandy. He's already familiar with a number of the crew and he's willing to work with the other races. He told me once he knows there are saints and sinners among every race.”

Coats seemed to relax a bit at that answer. “Thank you, Shepard. I had wondered...Hacket had wondered, how you would react.”

She snorted again. “So you came to find out.” She shook her head. “I'm retired. If I wasn't, I might want command back, but I think Alenko will do a decent job. Just make sure the crew knows before they board, eh?”

“I can do that,” Coats promised.

That conversation remained on her mind over the next few days. She visited with her former crewmates and talked for the first time in a long time about longterm plans. The night before the Normandy was scheduled to leave, she invited her friends over, though alcohol was something she decided not to serve.

“You gonna be okay, Lola?” Vega caught her in the kitchen while refilling coffee cups and some dextro drink for Tali.

She smiled slightly up at the tall marine. “I'll do alright, James,” she promised. “I'm staying sober, I promise. For Kolyat, for you all, for myself.” She glanced out the window for a moment. “I think I'm going to try and find a part time job somewhere on the Citadel. I'm going to rent my place out in Coronado for now as well. Kolyat and his wife want me around for when the baby is born.”

“Good.” Vega lifted his brows. “And this time, are you going to reply to messages.”

“I'm not going to drop out of communication again,” she said seriously. “And I know I can reach out if I need something this time.”

She followed the crew to the Normandy to see them off the next morning, one lone woman in a pair of jeans and an old N7 hoodie. There were hugs and a few tears, and a promise to each of her friends to stay in contact this time. 

Liara was saying her goodbyes when the new captain of the Normandy arrived, with his fiancee in tow.

Shepard felt Liara tense slightly in her embrace, which gave her a warning of who was approaching before she pulled back. Audra plastered a pleasant smile on her face as she turned to see Alenko and Rahna step up.

“Shepard, didn't expect to see you here,” Kaidan said, and if Audra hadn't known him so well in the past, she wouldn't have caught the undercurrent of uncertainty in his voice.

“Seeing my friends off,” Audra replied pleasantly. “Congratulations, Major. The Normandy will have a good Captain at her helm.”

“Thanks, Shepard. That means a lot, coming from you,” Kaidan replied after a moment, his eyes searching hers. 

Audra kept that smile forced on her lips, not letting him see her regrets. He'd moved on, and she needed to as well. Instead, she turned to greet Rahna. “Rahna, good to see you again. I'll be on the Citadel if you ever want to go out for coffee.”

She could tell Rahna seemed uncomfortable, but she didn't think it was because of her. Rahna gave her a small smile. “Thank you, Shepard. I may look you up.”

Audra turned and gave Liara one last hug. “I'll see you when you get back, Liara,” she promised. “Lets give these two some private time, eh?”

Liara nodded, casting a speculative glance towards Rahna before she boarded. 

Shepard did cast one glance over her shoulder as she walked away and frowned. Things between Kaidan and Rahna seemed tense, though she didn't know why, and she didn't ask because it wasn't her business. She shook her head, turning forward. They had to learn to fly on their own, just as she did.


	7. Watch Out You Might Just Go Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though Shepard is trying to move on with life, she can't escape her own mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Disturbia" copyright Rhianna

_”Disturbia” – Rhianna”_  
_Throw on your brake lights_  
_We're in the city of wonder_  
_Ain't gonna play nice_  
_Watch out, you might just go under_  
_Better think twice_  
_Your train of thought will be altered_  
_So if you must falter be wise_

Some days and nights were fine, and she enjoyed spending time with Kolyat and Esira Krios or fought Arena matches with her coworkers from the Purgatory Bar. Other days and nights went completely to hell when something triggered a flash back or an anxiety attack. Those days were the ones where she felt the darkness slipping back into her mind, and she had to fight hard to keep from falling all over again.

But somehow Audra Shepard made it to the sixth month mark of sobriety. She had a bad habit of drinking way too much black coffee, no matter how bad it was, and a violent streak she’d let lose in the Arena, but she’d made it.

She recalled the first few days she spent job hunting. Outside of her skills learned in the military, Shepard didn’t have a lot to offer. She didn’t have a degree or any kind of special training other than biotics and violence, which ultimately lead her to seek a job as a bouncer. She’d felt some qualms about applying for a position at the Purgatory Bar, given her past alcohol abuse, but it helped that the bouncers weren’t allowed to drink on duty, and frankly watching some of the drunks make complete idiots of themselves reminded her why she didn’t want to start drinking about.

That and she’d managed to convince the bartenders to make her Shirley Temples when she did stay after a shift. The Turian and two Asari were particularly amused by the human drink, and she’d been pleased to see it appear on the menu after two months of working at the bar.

Her job interview hadn’t gone perfectly, but that had worked in her favor. One of the head bouncers, a Turian named Marnus, had been eying her and debating if this human woman would actually be able to handle the job as a bouncer with so many different races that frequented the bar when the Krogan, Jedrak, had demanded to know why they should hire a tiny, crippled human. 

“What do we need this cripple for?” he’d demanded.

“You sack of shit,” Shepard had snarled in response. She’d dealt with thick headed Krogan before, this wasn’t any different. Tuchanka immediately flashed through her mind and she’d been off the bar stool and charging Jedrak before she realized what she was doing. She hard a sharp crack as she head butted him and he actually staggered back in surprise.

But you never let a Krogan get back at you. Blue light flared around her as she Threw Jedrak back against the wall. “That’s why you need me,” she snarled at him.

She’d held him against the wall until he held his hands up in surrender and Marnus had looked at her with amusement and said, “So, after that display, if you pass the background check, you’re hired.”

Now she and Jedrak had a friendly rivalry and the three of them fought on a squad at the Arena on a weekly basis. Arena matches were always good for stress relief.

The first night she’d called off due to an anxiety attack, Marnus had actually shown up at her apartment the next morning to make sure she was okay. They’d sat talking for almost two hours over human and dextro ration paste (and he’d asked her why the hell she was still buying military rations since she was retired, and surprised she had some dextro left over from Tali and Garrus’s last visit). He’d been on Palaven when the Reapers attacked, and he understood her PTSD better than most.

And some days she felt like she was living in some kind of Twilight Zone like the old Earth television show, not entirely sure what was going to happen.

She remembered the awkward coffee meeting with Kaidan’s fiancée, Rahna. 

They’d met at Apollos Café, watching various individuals move about the Citadel on their business.

“Sooo…” Shepard began, feeling odd.

“Commander, excuse me, Captain Shepard, Savior of the Citadel and the Galaxy at a loss for words?” Rahna asked, though her amusement didn’t seem malicious.

Shepard frowned as they ordered and answered seriously once the waitress was gone. “I was an orphan in a gang who joined the Alliance at 18. I know biotics, I know serving the Alliance, and I know killing. Social events are kind of out of my league.”

Rahna’s expression changed almost instantly; surprised, and almost sympathetic. “Sounds like the opposite of my life…my family is from Turkey. Even after…well Kaidan told you about Jump Zero?”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah, and the stuff you never should have had to deal with.”

Rahna’s gaze was distant as she responded. “I went back home after that. My parents weren’t happy. My father always expected the best out of me. They hired an Asari to finish my biotics education and I went to University. I ended up teaching young biotics. I didn’t want them to experience what I did.”

“That…sounds good,” Shepard said, honestly impressed. “You went through hell, so you knew how they shouldn’t be taught, and could figure out how they should be taught.” She shrugged. “I’m a little envious, weird as it sounds. Everything I learned about biotics I learned in the military.”

In a strange way, they’d connected. Both had resolutely avoided the subject of Kaidan, and they’d parted pleasantly. While neither sought to set up a second meeting, Shepard thought they both walked away with a better understanding of each other.

She simply hoped that Rahna would treat Kaidan well. That was one bridge she knew she’d burned to the ground.

Because nothing left her feeling more off than waking up from a nightmare and finding herself alone in bed, sometimes items tossed about the bedroom by biotic force in the middle of her sleep. That scared her. She knew she could keep herself from returning to drinking, but without the alcohol, what would quell the nightmares?


	8. Hate to Admit It But...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy on the Angst. Shepard can't escape her feelings for Kaidan, but she knows that she burned that bridge a long time ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Girl Crush" copyright Little Big Town

_”Girl Crush” – Little Big Town_  
_I got a girl crush, hate to admit it but_   
_I got a heart rush, ain’t slowin’ down_  
_I got it real bad, want everything she has_  
_That smile and the midnight laugh she’s givin’ you now_  
_I wanna taste her lips, yeah, ‘cause they taste like you_  
_I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume_  
_I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch_  
_Yeah, ‘cause maybe then you’d want me just as much_  
_I got a girl crush, I got a girl crush_

There was still a box s in the apartment of her stuff from the Normandy that she hadn’t gone through yet. 

Shepard swore to herself she hadn’t had time to unpack it yet between Arena matches with Marnus and Jedrak and spending a fair amount of time with Kolyat and Esira as Esira’s due date approached. 

The truth was she knew exactly what was in that box, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to see the contents. The box had been thrown at the bottom of her closet on the Normandy SR2, transferred from her storage locker back on earth from before she’d died the first time, the storage locker she’d rented the last time she had Kaidan had been on shore leave together.

Had it really been almost five years?

But at 07:00 hours one morning after an overnight shift at the Purgatory Bar, Shepard couldn’t sleep, and she found herself sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at that damned box. After almost half an hour of just staring at it, she got up and forced herself to take the lid off the box. 

The plastic creaked beneath her fingers as she set the lid aside. At the very top of the box was an old blue Alliance hoodie, the name “Alenko” stitched onto the left breast of the jacket. Her fingers shaking, she lifted the hoodie and ran her fingers over the familiar fabric before setting it beside the box. There were only a few items beneath it…one of Kaidan’s tshirts that she’d taken, and two real life leatherbound books Kaidan had bought her while on that shore leave so long ago. She didn’t have to read the covers to know they were the works of Edgar Allen Poe and a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. 

A public library back on earth had been her haven as a child, a place to hide out for a few hours in peace and read, away from the hunger, the constant looking over your shoulder, the danger of the streets. She hadn’t expected anything when Kaidan had asked her what her favorite books were, then he’d surprised her with these.

“I am such a fucking idiot,” she murmured to herself as she ran her finger along the leather spine of one book. “After Horizon…after Mars.” She sighed.  
Thane had told her while they were in the hospital he wanted her to move on someday. She remembered the words of Cortez’s original husband, Robert, telling Steve not to make him an anchor.

She glanced at the hoodie on the floor beside her, wondering if Rahna would want it now. Though that would probably be awkward, receiving your fiancee’s old hoodie from his ex. Rahna didn’t look like the hoodie type anyway. Maybe she should just throw the thing away.

Instead she found herself shoving the Allaince hoodie in one of her drawers and taking the copy of Frankenstine to the living room to read. If she couldn’t sleep, at least she could read her favorite novel.

Even more now, Shepard identified with Frankenstein’s monster. Like the Monster, she just wanted to be accepted. Problem was, the person her heart really ached to be accepted by was completely out of her reach, something she was reminded of every time she ran into Rahna on the Citadel. 

Somehow she ran into Rahna more often than she would expect. In line at the coffee shop, at the store picking up food (Marnus had finally convinced her to start buying more than just ration bars), or just walking the streets.

And Rahna was everything Shepard was not. Tall, lovely, and body unmarred by scars and cybernetic limbs. She seemed gentle too. Rahna soothed people like a gentle breeze, where as Audra had always been a bit more of a hurricane. 

Shepard admitted to herself when she caught sight of the diamond on Rahna’s left hand that she was jealous. She was jealous of what she herself and thrown away and could never have. She missed Thane, she always would, but just as a part of Thane had always belonged to his dead wife, a part of Shepard would always belong to Kaidan. 

Some nights she would dream about the Cerberus coupe, and then Kaidan standing at the dock, asking to come back to the Normandy. And like an idiot she’d turned him down.

She’d used Thane as an anchor.

Hell even Kolyat and Erisa had encouraged her to move on after Thane’s death.

Those thoughts haunted her on and off throughout the days, something at the back of her mind she could never quite shake.

It was the anniversary of her 8th month of sobriety when she ran into Rahna on the Citadel under circumstances she never expected.

Early morning, 06:30 hours. She was walked back home from Purgatory, debating if she’d be able to get any sleep today, when she heard the sound of someone crying nearby. Morbidly curious, she followed the sound.

And found Rahna crying on a bench.

The sight disarmed her. Why would this lovely woman have a reason to cry? 

“Rahna?” she asked slowly. “Are you alright?”

Rahna glanced up, and seeing Shepard only seemed to make her cry harder.

Feeling oddly guilty, for what she wasn’t sure, she dropped onto the bench beside Rahna and fished a napkin out of her pocket and handed it to the crying woman.

Several minutes passed as Rahna’s tears slowly faded, and then she looked at Shepard with red rimmed brown eyes. “Shepard..I…”

“What’s wrong?” Shepard repeated.

Rahna heaved a sigh. “I had another fight with Kaidan,” she said softly. “This morning over a comm call.”

Another fight? Shepard blinked. “Um…over what?”

“His career,” Rahna admitted. “I asked him if he would be willing to retire after the Normandy returned from this assignment. He…it’s something we’ve fought about before. The constant stress of deployment, everything. He could easily retire and teach with me, or consult, or anything else.”

“But he doesn’t want to?” Shepard ventured, feeling as if she’d stepped into the Twilight Zone again. 

Rahna shook her head. “He says he wants to stay in for at least a few more years, see if he’ll make Lt. Colonel.”

“That sounds like Kaidan,” Shepard said. “He joined the Alliance on his own terms, Rahna, I don’t think anyone could convince him to change his plans.”

“You retired though,” Rahna said, her eyes flashing. “You found a job outside of the service, why can’t he? He could be injured or worse..and he’s always away, and..” 

“Rahna, I retired because I’m Frankenstein’s fucking monster,” Shepard cut in forcefully. “Look at me, seriously.” She pulled up one of her sleeves, showing Rahna the webbing of scars that covered her body. “I’ve been broken and put back together not once, but twice, Rahna. I literally died once, and I almost died a second time. I’m not even fully human anymore. For all I know I’m 50% synthetic at this point. And-“ she lowered her voice. “I’m broken, Rahna, severely so. I have so many nightmares and flashbacks to the war. Before I came to the Citadel, I spent almost 10 months trying to drink myself to death. I considered killing myself more than once. The only reason I’m still here is because friends gave me a reason to continue on.”

Rahna looked faintly alarmed. “How do you try and drink yourself to death as a biotic?”

“By literally drinking bottles of liquor a day. I’m not talking about beer. I could go through a fifth of whiskey in a morning and break open another bottle after that,” Shepard said seriously. “I’ve been sober 8 months now, but I will never forget that time. I can never forget that I was passively trying to kill myself. I retired because I’m really not fit for military service at this point. But Kaidan? Kaidan might have his scars and his demons..but I don’t think he’s that broke. He can’t be, not when he’s found you. Particularly after your first meeting. He loves you, he wouldn’t have asked you to marry him if he didn’t.”

“I don’t know if we can make it work though,” Rahna said very softly. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to spend that much time away from him.”

“You make it work, damnit,” Shepard snarled softly. “You don’t break his heart a second time, Rahna. You already did once. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t walk away when he’s standing in front of you offering his hand.”

“I-he told me about his offer to rejoin the Normandy,” Rahna admitted, her eyes wide at Shepard’s words. “Are you really that broken though, Shepard, if you can sit here and tell me all this.”

Shepard chuckled bitterly. “I am very broken, Rahna, and I don’t know that anything can ever really put me back together again.” She shook her head and grasped the other woman’s hands. “Don’t repeat my mistakes Rahna. I’m sure the two of you can make it work, if you just try hard enough.”

“You have more faith in me than I do,” Rahna said. She wiped away another tear and stood. “Thank you..Shepard, for talking to me. I’ll see you around.”

Rahna left Shepard there sitting on the bench, staring after her, and wondering what in hell had just happened.


	9. I Still Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard gets reminded that family isn't always bound by blood, and she still has something to believe in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "100 in a 55" copyright Pop Evil

_”100 in a 55” – Pop Evil”_   
_Going a 100 in a 55_   
_And I don't know why I'm still alive_   
_But I do what I can_   
_But I know I can't take anymore_   
_I still believe in this rock n roll_   
_N I pray the music gon' save my soul_   
_But until then I still believe_   
_Something_

“Hey Shep, you going for coffee?” Marnus asked as the two of them set another table to right in the bar before heading to the back room to clock out. 

Shepard glanced at her watch and shook her head. “Nah,” she replied. “Need to get home and shower then head over to Huerta Memorial for visiting hours.”

“Ahh, your, what’s the human term, god daughter was born yesterday, wasn’t she?” he asked.

“Yep. Though I think the term Kolyat and Esira are using the term Guardian. Same difference,” Shepard replied. She grinned as she pulled a bag out of her locker. “You know they’re making stuffed animals that look like Wrex? Big freaking Krogan as a cuddly kid’s toy. It’s hilarious.”

Marnus laughed as he looked in the gift bag Shepard was holding. “That is oddly adorable. I’ll see you tonight then.”

“Later Marnus.”

A quick shower and change into clean black tactical pants and N7 tshirt (she owned so many of the damn things she wasn’t sure there were any other kinds of tshirts in her drawers) and Shepard was on her way to the hospital. 

She made it to Huerta and to Esira’s room without any issues. This visit was far more pleasant than her last view visits to Huerta. For one, she wouldn’t be staring at a former lover’s unconscious body. She smiled at the passing nurse as she entered Esira’s room, taking in the sight of mother, father, and little baby drell locked in a family embrace. Kolyat sat on the edge of the bed with his arm around his wife, and little Irikah cradled in her mother’s arms.

“Thane and Irikah would be so proud of you, Kolyat,” Shepard said from the doorway. She leaned against the doorframe with her arms over her chest. Kolyat had come a long way from the angry young man who hated his father for Thane’s actions. “I am too.”

“Shepard,” Esira’s melodious voice greeted her. The drell female smiled at the older human female and gestured her over. “Come and hold Irikah.”

“I would be honored,” Audra replied. She crossed the room and set the gift bag on a table, taking the little drell bundle in her arms and turned back the blanket. “Aren’t you adorable,” she cooed softly as she gazed at the little girl. 

The image of Audra Shepard cuddling a drell baby seemed almost at odds with the fierce human Commander who would do anything to save the galaxy from the Reapers, Kolyat thought as he looked at the human woman his father had loved before his death. Audra’s bare arms were a lattice work of scars, in stark contrast to the smooth cybernetics of her left hand. She had a jagged scar running from jaw to forehead that almost cut through one eye, and Kolyat knew she couldn’t see as well out of that eye anymore and wore a lens in the eye when she wasn’t sleeping. One entire side of her face bore the scars from a blast, and he doubted Shepard would ever be entering any beauty contests that used human standards, not these days. 

“Thank you for being here Shepard,” Kolyat said.

“You know, little one, I shouldn’t even be alive today, but to see you, and the joy you bring your parents, it’s all completely worth it,” Shepard said softly to Irikah. “You’ve got so much promise.” She looked up at Kolyat and smiled. “Kolyat, we’re family, blood or not, and it is both a pleasure and an honor to be here with you and Esira.”

“You will always be a part of our family,” Esira said firmly. “Sometimes the best families are those you make.”

Shepard smiled whimsically. “I think you’re right about that, Esira. I didn’t have any blood kin growing up. But now? Just because I may not have any blood relatives, I’ve discovered I am not lacking for family. She grinned then, scars stretching on the left side of her lips as she reached in the gift bag and pulled out the Krogan plush that was almost as big as the baby. “I brought you something. Nice big Krogan to keep an eye on you.”

Kolyat regarded the plush with some disbelief. “Is that modeled after…Wrex?”

Shepard laughed. “It is. There’s a whole line of them, apparently. My boss thinks it’s hilarious.” 

“It is rather amusing,” the drell agreed.

Shepard spent another half hour or so with the family before leaving them to have some time alone with a promise to visit again once they’d settled back at home, and a standing offer to help out if they needed anything.

She shoved her hands into her pockets as she walked towards a coffee shop after leaving the hospital, too keyed up to sleep. Days like this, she wondered how she’d managed to survive when so many other people had died during the war, and during the aftermath. 

“Then again, without my friends would I still be alive?” she asked herself. 

She already knew the answer. Esira’s message on that dark day so many months ago, and Steve and James’s message hours later had been a lifeline she had clung to. In the aftermath of deciding to get sober, Maria leaning on her for support during Joseph’s death had given her another thing to focus on, another reason to live. 

Kolyat, Esira, their daughter, and Maria, and perhaps Vega and Cortez were indeed her family, as odd a group as it seemed, family that she would do anything in her power to help. So while she might not know why she was still alive, she knew she still believed in something tangible and something that she could rely on. 

~~  
Her thoughts were at the forefront of her mind when she got an emergency call half way through her shift and just before her lunch the next evening at Purgatory.

“Go take your break,” Jedrak muttered at her. “You almost never get calls, so if someone wants you, it must be important.”

Quite a difference from her days in the military, when she’d hardly ever had a minute to herself and everyone wanted her to solve their problems.

She stepped into the break room and pulled up the call on the employee terminal. “Audra Shepard here.”

“Ms. Shepard? Sorry, Captain Shepard I believe?” The voice came through before the picture did, screen flickering for a few minutes to reveal an Alliance Lt. Commander.

“What’s wrong solider?” she asked, her voice unconsciously taking on the same tone she used to use in the field. 

“Captain Shepard, I’m Lt. Commander Verenich. I’m sorry to report your cousin Private Sanchez was injured in a field accident. The doctors are asking for your permission for medical procedures as her next of kin.”

Private Sanchez? That would be Maria. Where the hell was it she’d been stationed? “What’s her status, Commander?” Shepard asked, forcing herself to keep the steady tone of a soldier. 

“Serious condition according to the Asari doctors,” Lt. Commander Verenich replied. “Let me pass you to them.” The screen flickered again, and Shepard found herself regarding the serious gaze of a pale blue Asari.

“Captain Shepard, yes?” the Asari asked professionally.

“Yes. What’s Private Sanchez’s status and what from me?” Shepard asked, glad the Asari couldn’t see her gripping the table where the terminal rested with her hands until her knuckles went white.

“I’m Dr. Layxenea D'aari,” the Asari replied. “The human Private Sanchez was working here on Thessia at a recovery site when there was a building collapse. Her,” there was a pause, “Companion Mayekaa Kyna brought her in along with one of her human squad members. She is going to need a blood transfusion and surgery on her leg, minimum. But given human customs and Council regulations, we need her next of kin to sign off as she has one listed and she is unconscious.”

“Done,” Shepard said instantly. “Send it over. You said blood transfusion. Is there enough-“

“We have managed between donations and synthetic to get enough,” Dr. D’aari assured her. “I believe it might help if you spoke to Mayekaa.” 

Who was Mayekaa, and why the hell was there an alliance platoon on Thessia anyway? Though Shepard did vaguely remember during the first year of the war, the Council had asked all races to send volunteers to different planets to help with the recovery in an effort to help encourage cooperation among species. She had seen Asari and Turian groups helping out on Earth, so it made some sense that the Alliance would send humans to other planets.

As Dr. D’aari transferred the call to someone else, Shepard was glad that no one in the Alliance had ever demanded blood tests or other kind of proof that Maria Sanchez was her cousin. Since Maria had enlisted and left Coronado, and Shepard had returned to the Citadel, they’d exchanged frequent emails, a reminder to the other than while neither might have blood relatives left in this world, they weren’t completely alone. 

Someday she’d have to introduce Maria to Kolyat and Esira. She’d told Maria about Thane’s son and daughter-in-law, and vise versa. 

Family dinners would be a hoot.

After another minute the screen flickered to reveal a pale lavender skinned Asari. It was impossible to tell her age, but given her carriage Shepard suspected Mayekaa Kyna was not several centuries old; a century or more, probably, but not a lot older than that.

“Ms. Kyna,” she greeted the Asari. “Dr. D’aari mentioned you accompanied Maria back to the hospital?”

For some reason, Shepard’s use of Maria’s first name seemed to make the Asari relax just a tad. “Mayekaa, please. And yes. I monitor building site where Maria and her platoon were assigned. I wasn’t far when the collapse occurred. It caught one of our engineers and Maria under the debris.”

“One of my old friends is an Asari, Mayekaa, I know from her that you all have good medical professionals. Maria will be alright.” Shepard found herself taking a reassuring tone with Mayekaa, something about the woman’s posture hinting to her that Mayekaa and Maria might be more than just..coworkers. “How well do you know my cousin?”

Mayekaa straightened. “Maria and I are interested in each other, Captain Shepard. Is that an issue?”

Shepard snorted. “No issues from me, Mayekaa. If she’s injured, I’m glad that she won’t be alone when she gets out of surgery and wakes up. And let me give you my private contact information if you need to get a hold of me, okay? Maria’s my family, and if you end up with her, that makes you family too. My name is Audra, by the way.”

“Maria always refers to you as Shepard,” Mayekaa replied. 

Shepard snorted. “Her and most of my friends. Some days I might as well not have a first name. Seriously though, Mayekaa, if you need anything, shoot me a message. And keep me updated on Maria’s progress, alright?”

They disconnected the call a few minutes later as the necessary paperwork arrived to Shepard’s omni-tool by way of a beep. She signed the necessary paperwork and sent it back across the extranet then sat back in the chair at the terminal.

She hoped Maria would be alright, she really didn’t want to lose anyone else right now, and she was glad her cousin (as fabricated as that relationship may be) wasn’t alone.

At least, she reflected as she headed back to work, all of this reminded her she had people to call family, and she wasn’t as completely alone in this world as she had thought earlier that year.


	10. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard runs into an old friend, and admits what it took to wake her up to the possibility of life again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Radioactive" copyright Imagine Dragons

“ _Radioactive” - Imagine Dragons_ ”  
 _All systems go, the sun hasn't died_  
 _Deep in my bones, straight from inside_  
 _I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones_  
 _Enough to make my systems blow_  
 _Welcome to the new age, to the new age_

For once, Shepard wasn't working until close. Most nights she was at Purgatory until the early hours of the morning, heading home for bed around the same time many people were getting up. The Asari manager had switched shifts around a bit to test different combinations of employees. Shepard didn't mind too much because.

She gave the drunk human male she was dealing with a biotic throw out the front door and watched him land on his ass with a smirk. “Keep your ass out until you sober up,” she yelled at him before heading back in. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure he was staggering off, away from Purgatory.

She headed back inside and towards the back to clock out, waving at Jedrak as he clocked in.

“Some human was watching you from the bar,” Jedrak warned her as she started to leave the break room. “Asshole looked almost as fucked up as you.”

“Not many people can claim that,” Shepard said with some humor. She clapped the Krogan on the hump. “I'll check it out, thanks for watching my six.”

“Course Shep,” Jedrak replied. He grinned ferally. “Never met another human who can give me a headbutt the way you can.”

Shepard laughed as she stepped back onto the bar floor. She trusted Jedrak and Marnus as much as she used to trust her crew on the Normandy. After over nine months working at Purgatory, she knew them just as well, if not better in some ways.

Her eyes scanned the bar as she grinned at that thought, then those eyes went wide as she noticed a tawny, scarred old mercenary sitting at the bar, grinning at her. She headed over and crossed her arms over her chest as she eyed him.

“Zaeed.”

“Shepard,” the old merc greeted her. He downed a shot and took a good look at her, sharp gaze taking in the obviously cybernetic left hand, scarred arms and neck, and the patchwork of blast scars on the left side of her face. “Damn Shep, you're almost as ugly as I am these days.”

Audra snorted. “I'll take that as a compliment, Zaeed. What the hell are you doing here on Purgatory? I thought you were going to find some fancy beach and drink shitty drinks with umbrellas in them for the rest of your sorry life. Its been what, two years?”

“I did for awhile,” Zaeed shrugged. “But got bored. And yeah, something like that. Last time I saw you, you were still hooked up to a bunch of machines after losing that leg and hand, and didn't seem to give a shit about anything.” His gaze narrowed thoughtfully. “You're lookin' a lot better now. Seem to be in a better mood too.”

“Yeah.” Shepard signaled the Turian barkeep for her normal Shirley Temple and took a seat next to Zaeed. “Though I was stuck like that for awhile. Tried drinking myself to death for awhile, didn't work. Then some of my friends decided it was time to drag me back to the land of the living.”

“Good, you aren't any use to any of us dead,” Zaeed replied, his tone serious. He eyed the drink the bartender handed her for a moment but didn't say anything about it. Her words a few minutes before told him all he needed to know about that.

“Oh?” Shepard asked, arching a dark brow at him.

“You may be retired, hell, I'm retired technically, but I would like to think we're still friends, Shepard,” Zaeed replied.

“That has to be the most disgustingly sentimental thing I have ever heard you say,” she snorted again. “But I do appreciate the sentiment.”

“You're the one who is always picking up strays,” Zaeed smirked as he knocked back another shot.

Almost three hours later, Shepard found herself helping a drunk Zaeed back to her apartment. They'd sat at the bar talking the entire time, Zaeed ordering shots, Shepard ordering Shirley Temples. They both tipped the bartender well and paid their bill so the bartender and manager on duty didn't seem to mind too much.

“Just keep him from puking on the floor, Shep,” the manager advised her when she finally helped Zaeed from the bar. “And remember you've got tomorrow off. You've got a bad habit of showing up on your off days. Go visit your goddaughter or something after you finish nursing that asshole back to sobriety.”

Once Zaeed was passed out on the couch in the living room, she dragged herself upstairs for a shower and headed to bed.  
~~

“Shepard, where the hell's the bacon?” Zaeed annoyed yell broke through Shepard's sleep fogged mind.

Muttering under her breath at inconsiderate mercenaries, Shepard stumbled downstairs in a tshirt and jogging pants, eyeing the old mercenary as she reached the kitchen. “What are you doing Zaeed?”

“Trying to make breakfast since you weren't up yet,” Zaeed replied as he dug through her refrigerator. “Are you really out of bacon?”

“I haven't been buying bacon,” she replied. “There are eggs and break though.”

“Breakfast isn't breakfast without bacon,” Zaeed complained.

“You're the one who passed out drunk on my couch last night,” she replied. “You can't bitch about what I do and do not have in my fridge.”

“You're the one who brought the stray home,” Zaeed shot back.

“I suppose at least you made yourself useful and made coffee,” Shepard muttered. She poured herself a cup and eyed Zaeed as he started a batch of scrambled eggs on the stove. “How long you staying on the Citadel?” she asked.

“Couple of weeks, might track own some information,” Zaeed replied. “CSec isn't quite as uppity as they used to be since the war, I've got a contract to find someone who has been seen on the Citadel.”

“Ahh, then back to the beach?” she asked.

“Maybe,” Zaeed shrugged.

“Give me the info and I can keep a look out at work,” Shepard said as she drank the black bliss that she'd become accustom to over the past several months. She'd stopped skimping on her coffee grounds.

“Huh,” Zaeed glanced at her over his shoulder. “I guess you have woken up, haven't you?”

She lifted a brow, knowing he didn't just mean waking up that morning. “I have,” she said at last. “It took a lot to get me to that point though. The war's over, its a new day. There's still something out there waking up for.

“Good, wouldn't want to lose some of the only family I've got,” Zaeed replied.

“I really do have an eclectic family,” Shepard murmured into her coffee, thinking of Maria and Kolyat.

Zaeed grinned. “Remember, you're the one always picking up strays.”


	11. I'm Not Afraid of What I Have To Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone has a conversation with Shepard, and a decision gets made.
> 
> This chapter starts from Rahna's perspective. I've been letting inspiration guide the story as I get ideas from certain songs. For some reason, the song "Second Chance" stuck with me. I always thought at Rahna was probably the kind of person who always let other people's expectations guide her - Do well in jump zero, when that didn't work out, find another path. But after the war, reconnecting with an old lover who happened to be a war hero, marrying him, settling down and having babies is what her parents would have expected. Instead, she decides its time to make her own choices, even if those choices hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Second Chance" copyright Shinedown

_”Second Chance” - Shinedown_  
_Please don't cry one tear for me_  
_I'm not afraid_  
_Of what I have to say_  
_This is my one and only voice_  
_So listen close,_  
_It's only for today_  
_I just saw Halley's comet_  
_She waved_  
_Said, "Why you always running in place?"_  
_Even the man in the moon disappeared_  
_Somewhere in the stratosphere_

She splashed her face with water, clearing the last of soap and sleep. Deep brow eyes stared back at her from the mirror, and for once the gaze was confident. She'd thought for a long time about what she was doing, and she finally knew what it was she wanted to do, rather than what anyone else wanted her to do. She carefully applied her makeup, lipstick last, and nodded at her reflection in the mirror. With one last check of her hair to ensure it was neatly pulled back, she slipped her sweater on and headed out.

She could hear the click of her heels on tile as she walked. She took a shuttle from the Ward she lived in and to the shopping district of the Citadel. Each step held a new confidence and purpose. Her decision hurt, on one level, knowing that the future she'd originally envisioned was impossible, but it had been her decision, not anyone else's. 

She got a small thrill at the idea that her father was going to be furious. But she'd spent thirty some odd years living up to his expectations, and every time she met one goal he set for her, he just went and upped it. The man was impossible to please, and she was done trying to spend her life living up to another person's expectations.

She paused only a moment when she reached the coffee shop, and noticed the woman she'd asked to meet her there already sitting at a table, sipping a cup of black coffee and staring at a data pad.

She and the scarred woman who waited for her couldn't be more different. She'd come from a rich and influential family and had wanted for nothing, materially, growing up. She knew the woman waiting for her was an orphan and had joined the military at 18 to escape a possible life of crime. Though from what she'd seen the woman was making a good effort on building her own family now.

Those hazel eyes, tanned skin, and scarred visage had seen and experienced nightmares that her smooth, olive toned complexion never would. 

Oddly, that woman was the one who had given her the courage to make this choice. Now, it was time to return the favor.

Muddy hazel eyes glanced up from their data pad when Rahna approached and Shepard lifted a dark brow. “Rahna,” she greeted the other woman. “I'm here, though I'm not entirely sure what it is you wanted to meet about.”

Rahna took a deep breath, remembering the courage she'd seen in the mirror before leaving her apartment and gave Shepard a sad smile. “I've made a couple of decisions, and I wanted to talk to you before I headed back to Earth.”

That got Shepard's attention. She set the data pad down carefully. “Heading back to Earth? Isn't the Normandy expected to return within another week or two?”

“It is,” Rahna confirmed, “But I'm not going to be there to meet it.”

Shepard frowned. “Rahna, your fiancee is on that ship, why in hell wouldn't you be there to meet it?”

Rahna gave her that same sad smile. “Because he isn't my fiancee anymore, Shepard.” She held her hand up before Shepard could say anything. “Kaidan and I have had a lot of conversations over the past few months. I know you had faith that love could guide us through anything...but sometimes love isn't enough. We are two very different people with two very different goals. He's a soldier, and he probably will be for years to come. I don't want to spend my life traveling from port to port, or waiting for months or years while he is deployed.” She shook her head. “It's just too hard on me, emotionally. We both know Kaidan deserves better than that. I thought about traveling with him, but I've got dreams and goals of my own, and uprooting my life to follow him isn't it the cards.”

Shepard blinked several times and her frown deepened. “So what are you going to do?” she asked at last.

“I'm going back to London,” Rahna replied. She'd chosen London, and not Turkey. She'd be away from her parents, away from their expectations, and somewhere that she could make everything her own. “I've accepted a position teaching at a school for young biotics there.”

“I know you wanted to teach,” Shepard said. “I just expected you would do it on earth while he was deployed, or here.”

“That was the original plan,” Rahna admitted. “But the distance..it just isn't something I can do Shepard, please understand that.”

Shepard's gaze softened a bit. “I understand,” she said softly. “I'm sorry it didn't work out between you two, Rahna. I know you love him, and I know he loves you.”

“But love isn't always enough,” Rahna said. “Besides, I think he's still half in love with you.”

Shepard blinked again. “It's been five years, Rahna. I died and was brought back, he and I fought, and then I turned him away. That's a bit long to hold onto a torch for anyone after all the shit we've been through.”

“Maybe that's why he still holds onto it,” Rahna replied stubbornly. “How do you feel about him, Shepard?”

There was a long moment of silence, then a sigh. “I loved Thane, Rahna. But just as some part of Thane's heart always belonged to his first wife, some part of mine will always be Kaidan's. Hell that sounds bad, particularly sitting here talking to his fiancee.”

“Ex-Fiancee,” Rahna corrected. She reached into her purse and removed a small black box, placing it on the table between them. “I know you'll be meeting the Normandy because you have friends on that ship. Give that to him, please, Shepard. I have to catch a ship to Earth tomorrow. And keep an eye on him for me.”

“This is so fucking awkward,” Shepard muttered as she eyed the ring box. She sighed. “If you really want me to. But..” She looked Rahna squarely in the eyes. “Contact me when you get there, let me know where you end up. I want to make sure you're safe. And for all I know this could be the start of a very weird friendship.”

Rahna actually smiled. “I almost like that idea,” she said. “You're right, it is incredibly awkward. I promise you, Shepard, this is a decision Kaidan and I both made, I was just the one who had to pull the trigger..we both knew before he left on the Normandy we were playing on borrowed time.” She got up to leave.

Shepard surprised her by getting up as well and pulling her into a hug. “Be careful, Rahna, and at least message me and tell me you got there safe, I'm serious.”

“I will,” she promised.

Then she walked away, head held high.

And left Shepard wondering yet again what the hell had just happened.


	12. Who says you can't go back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard realizes what Home really means for her and has an awkward reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Who Says You Can't Go Home" copyright Bon Jovi

_”Who Says You Can't Go Home” - Bon Jovi_   
_Who says you can't go home?_   
_There's only one place they call me one of their own_   
_Just a hometown boy born a rolling stone_   
_Who says you can't go home?_   
_Who says you can't go back?_   
_Been all around the world and as a matter of fact_   
_There's only one place left I wanna go_   
_Who says you can't go home?_

“Eta one day, Shepard,” Mayekaa's voice drifted through the speakers of Shepard's apartment vidscreen. “Maria's been sleeping most of the time due to the pain medication, but she'd like you to be at the dock if you can make it.”

“I've already put in a request to have the night you all come in off, and I'll be getting off at 03:00 the morning before so I'll be there,” Shepard promised as she watched the Asari on the vid screen.

Her cousin's partner smiled. “Thank you, Shepard. I know it will mean a lot to Maria.”

“You two are family, Mayekaa,” Shepard told the Asari. “I'd drop anything to be there.” She lifted a brow. “Have you worked out where to stay after the surgery and they release her for medical leave or is she staying in the barracks?”

“We've discussed it. She thought about staying in the barracks but I suggested we find a place since either way she'll be on medical leave for a few months and we can be together,” Mayekaa replied. 

“My guest room is on the ground floor,” Shepard offered. “Bed's big enough for the two of you. As long as you can put up with a cranky ass old mercenary occasionally crashing on the living room couch.”

“That would be Zaeed?” Mayekaa inquired curiously.

Shepard nodded. “He's got his own place but he probably ends up on the couch once a week.” She shook her head. “I guess he'd be the asshole older brother of my family.”

“You pick up the strangest people, Shepard.” Mayekaa said in an amused tone. Her eyes lit up. “This ship's crew has so many interesting stories about you from over the years.”

Shepard blinked. “Er, what? What ship are you on anyway?”

When she'd found out that Maria would be transferred to the Citadel because the Asari wanted human doctors more familiar with human medical needs perform the shoulder surgery that Maria would require, Mayekaa had informed her that the Alliance had arranged for a ship on its way back to the Citadel to pick them and another human patient up. She hadn't thought to ask the name of the ship until now.

“The Normandy,” Mayekaa smiled.

“Oh hell, you've been talking to Liara, haven't you?” Shepard rubbed her forehead. “I swear half the stuff they tell you and Maria isn't true.”

“Sure it isn't,” Mayekaa replied, clearly not believing her. She glanced over her shoulder. “Someone else needs the terminal. We'll see you tomorrow Shepard.”

“Take care,” Shepard muttered as the Asari hung up.

~~

“You'd think the Alliance would be able to get the crew off their ship faster,” Zaeed muttered as he stood behind Shepard at the dock while they waited for the Normandy.

She rolled her eyes at him. “You didn't have to come, you know,” she shot back.

He gave her a crooked grin. “Of course I did. Wanted to see the old crew again. Besides, I want to meet this cousin of yours. Yet another stray you picked up.”

“Asshole,” Shepard muttered.

“You have an extremely interesting family, Captain Shepard,” Dr. Chloe Michels remarked as she waited with them. Two orderlies stood nearby, waiting to escort Maria to Huerta. She seemed to share Zaeed's amusement at Shepard's expense.

Zaeed just smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. Shepard rolled her eyes again and turned her gaze to the shuttle bringing crew and passengers to the dock from the Normandy. As the shuttle doors opened, she recognized Dr. Chakwas first with Maria in a wheel chair behind, being pushed by Mayekaa. She hadn't asked the Asari about how she'd arranged to come with Maria, but she wasn't entirely surprised. Maria's messages since she'd been injured indicated she'd grown particularly close to the Asari, and Shepard was glad her cousin had someone to turn to.

Mayekaa was aware of the fact that Maria was a soldier, and at least for a few years Maria would remain an Alliance marine and be subject to deployments. She, unlike Rahna, was going into the relationship with realistic expectations.

That made her think of the ring box stuffed in the pocket of her pants. She wasn't entirely sure how that encounter with Kaidan was going to go.

Thankfully her thoughts were taken to more pleasant places as she approached Maria and gave her cousin a hug. “I'm damned glad you're alright,” Shepard told the younger woman. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Maria gave her a droll look. “I've heard stories about your antics in the military. I'm pretty sure I've never done anything as crazy, or dangerous, as you've managed to, Captain Shepard. I heard something about taking on a Reaper on foot.”

Shepard groaned inwardly. “You're not going to let up once you've been released from the hospital, are you?” she asked. She glanced around, looking for a subject change. “Oh, this is Zaeed. He's the asshole older brother.”  
“More family?” Maria asked with a smile. Her smiles were more ready now than the first few months after her Uncle's death. Shepard was glad to see that smile.

“Something like that. We'll just make our own crazy family,” Shepard promised Maria.

Zaeed swaggered up and surprised Shepard by taking one of Maria's hands and kissing it. “Dear lady. I've got plenty of stories on Shepard's stubbornness and insanity that I will be happy to share with you.” He winked at Mayekaa as the Asari eyed him. “And don't worry, I won't move in on your girl. Shepard would kill me.”

“You bet I would,” Shepard growled.

Zaeed turned and clapped her on the back. “Well I'll see you later, crazy ass. I've got a job to get to.”

Shepard shook her head as the mercenary walked away. She saw Dr. Michels and Chakwas talking out of the corner of her eye and returned to Maria and Mayekaa. “You two going to be alright?”

“Yeah,” Maria replied. “They have to run a bunch of tests before they do surgery. I'll still be out of commission a few months before I can return to active duty.”

“Well you can stay with me as long as you need,” Shepard promised. She passed Mayekaa a key. “I know you'll want to head to the hospital with her. I've still got some business here but I'll be by later, and you can head to the apartment whenever you need to.”

Within a few minutes, Mayekaa and Maria were being swept off by Dr. Michels and the orderlies and Shepard found herself face to face with her old crewmates.

Karin Chakwas gave her a faint smile as she regarded Shepard's scarred body. “You look pretty good for a woman who wanted to die,” Chakwas said.

“Yeah,” Shepard glanced over her shoulder in the direction Maria had gone, and knew that Steve and James had told Chakwas about her alcoholism, and her depression. “But I found reasons to live.” She smiled. “I've got a bottle of Ice Brandy for you at home, though this time I won't be partaking.”

Chakwas regarded her for a long moment. “Why don't you and I meet tomorrow? I think we'll have a lot to discuss.”

“If you want,” Shepard promised.

Chakwas nodded and left Shepard to greet Steve and James, who were standing patiently a few feet behind. That reunion was another good one, with Tali and Garrus, Liara, and even Javik joining in as they deboarded from the shuttle. 

As Shepard stood there, surrounded by her friends and former crewmates, she realized that she finally felt like she was at home. Between her family here on the Citadel, and this crew, it didn't matter where she actually lived...home was more the people than the place, it always had been.

She'd misplaced that after the war, in those months she'd spent drunk and trying to kill herself. This was a feeling she never wanted to lose again.  
Her friends finally started going their separate ways, with promises from everyone to get together at her apartment for a welcome home party in two days. She knew they all had their own business to attend to. 

Steve and James lingered a few as a final shuttle settled in the docking bay and Major Kaidan Alenko stepped off. He paused when he saw Shepard, and a silence stretched between the two of them.

“I've got this,” she told Steve and James. The two marines eyed her for a long moment before, reading the unspoken request in her expression to leave her alone to talk to Kaidan. 

“We'll see you at dinner,” James said finally as he and Steve headed off.

Shepard steeled herself and turned to face the questioning Major.

“Alenko,” she greeted him with smile. Nothing she'd discussed with herself after Rahna had left her at that coffee shop could really prepare her for this moment.

“Shepard,” he replied, though she could hear the uncertainty, and the question in his voice.

She fished Rahna's ring box out of her pocket and handed it to him. “Rahna told me to give that to you,” she explained. “There's a paper inside with the name of the school she's working at in London, and a phone number, if you want to contact her.”

Kaidan took the box from her and opened it, staring for a long moment at the gold and diamond ring inside before he sighed and closed the box. “I think Rahna and I have both closed that door, Shepard.”

“You've got to admit, it's awkward as hell to get your ex-fiancee's ring from your other ex, right?” Shepard asked in a humorous tone, trying to lighten the mood. Her mind was screaming at her to make up an excuse and walk away, when her heard wanted to stay here.

“Yeah,” Kaidan admitted. “Listen..Shepard, can I meet with you tomorrow, at Apollos for lunch or something? There's something I want to talk to you about.”

Shepard lifted her brows. “Er, I guess...”

“Thank you,” Kaidan replied, looking oddly relieved. What the hell did he want to talk to her about. “I've got to go make a report to Hackett, and then the Council.” 

Shepard grinned faintly. “Better you than me, Alenko. That is one thing I do not miss about active duty.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” Kaidan mock scowled at her. 

They both fell silent again, neither really sure how to continued.

Finally Shepard cleared her throat. “So..welcome home, Kaidan. I'll see you tomorrow? I should probably make sure I've got enough food for Mayekaa at the apartment.”

“Yeah, sure. I've got to report anyway.” Kaidan replied, clearly feeling as at odds with everything as she did. 

“See you tomorrow,” Shepard said, managing a smile before she beat a retreat from the dock. She didn't see Kaidan watching her until she disappeared from view.


	13. Starless and Bible Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note/trigger warning from the author: The truth with trauma is that you can't always predict what will set off a flashback, and many times you may not be able to control your own response. Part of this chapter reflects this. 
> 
> Even when everything seems to be going fine, Shepard still has trauma she has to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Starless” copyright King Crimson

_”Starless” – King Crimson”_   
_Sundown dazzling day_   
_Gold through my eyes_   
_But my eyes turned within only see_   
_Starless and bible black_   
_Old friend charity_   
_Cruel twisted smile_   
_And the smile signals emptiness for me _  
 _Starless and bible black_  
 _Ice blue silver sky_  
 _Fades into grey_  
 _To a grey hope that all yearns to be_  
 _Starless and bible black___

__Shepard had spent most of the afternoon of that first day at the hospital, getting the particulars of surgery and recovery from Maria and Mayekaa. She knew Mayekaa’s presence at the apartment would probably be sporadic for the first few days, as she doubted the Asari really wanted to leave her new mate alone in the hospital. Dr. Michels gave them an amused smile and promised Mayekaa’s a cot. Shepard had a feeling it normally wasn’t done, but since the Asari and Private Sanchez were evidently family to the great Commander Shepard, the hospital seemed willing._ _

__And for once Shepard didn’t mind taking advantage of her fame._ _

__She had a relaxing dinner with Steve and James and they caught up on the adventures of the Normandy since they had last shipped out. She wasn’t surprised that the Normandy had helped with a lot of odd jobs on different planets – ferrying various individuals, helping with relief efforts, and even hunting down a few renegades and others causing trouble._ _

__“All in a day’s work for the Normandy,” James remarked as he took another sip of beer. He regarded Shepard’s ever present cup of coffee and nodded. He and Steve had debated about drinking around her, and Shepard had told them bluntly they could drink whatever, but any alcohol they brought into her apartment left with them._ _

__“How’s your new CO working out?” Shepard asked. She didn’t bother to hide her interest, her old crew knew she still cared about the welfare of the Normandy and its crew, past and present._ _

__“A little inelegance for a first few weeks,” Steve admitted. “Major Alenko has his own way of running things, but you can tell you were his CO at one point, and he took a few pointers from you. I guess there was some brief nastiness between him and Garrus when he first got on board, something about Horizon? But they settled it and actually seemed like friends after the first couple of months. I believe there was also a small disagreement between him and Liara, and Javik threatened to shove him out an airlock if he upset Liara again._ _

__“Javik did what?” Shepard blinked._ _

__“Yeah, I think there’s something going out between the Asari and the Prothean,” Steve said. “No matter how much they deny it. Your crew is pretty protective of you, Shepard.”_ _

__Shepard cradled her coffee mug in her fingers, eyes going distant for a moment as she tried to suppress that memory. “Yeah…Alenko and I didn’t have the best reunion on Horizon after Cerberus rebuilt me. Garrus was there for it.”_ _

__“Explains a lot,” James mused. “I guess they got past it though. You and the Major past it?”_ _

__“As much as we’ll ever be,” Shepard replied, taking a fortifying sip of the black liquid in her cup. “There’s a lot of history between Alenko and I.”_ _

__“I guess that on Mars,” James replied dryly. “You gonna be okay to meet him tomorrow for lunch?”_ _

__Shepard shot him a suspicious look. “How do you know about that, Vega?”_ _

__“Shadow Broker,” James replied calmly. “She’s always got an eye on you somewhere.”_ _

__“Of course she does,” Shepard muttered, rubbing at her forehead. “Yeah, I’ll be alright James, thanks for asking.”_ _

__“Hey, this is what, 10 months sober?” Steve asked suddenly, trying to break the mood._ _

__Shepard grinned at that. “10 and a half.” She glanced towards the x-marked calendar on the wall. “I still mark every day off. It’s a reminder of what could have happened, to keep me from going back.”_ _

__“I’m glad you let us in,” James said softly as he regarded his former CO. “I think there’s a lot more people who would mourn you than you realized.”_ _

__“Yeah, you’re right,” Shepard replied. “I got lucky. I try and remind myself every day what I could have lost.”_ _

__~~_ _

__The night before had been a brutal reminder of her past; of dreams filled with the faces and places she had failed to save. She’d barely had enough sleep to hit the Arena with Marnus and Jedrak that morning, but she didn’t want to break a promise to meet them there so she gathered her gear, drank half a pot of coffee, and headed to the Arena to meet them._ _

__The match was more of a warm up than anything else, nothing like her days of fighting Reapers, for which Shepard was grateful. She wasn’t sure if she’d been a little too slow on that last Throw, but neither of her companions mentioned it. As much of a hard head as Jedrak was, he usually knew when not to push her buttons, and Marnus, well he recognized the signs of a bad night of sleep, he had enough of his own._ _

__“Not much of a challenge, but a decent workout,” Jedrak said as the three of them boarded an elevator to take them up from the Arena. All three were still in armor. Shepard needed to head back to the apartment and change before meeting Kaidan for lunch at Apollos. A decent match after a series if nightmares at least helped restore her moon and took her mind of any nervousness about meeting Kaidan, and the adrenaline might last long enough to get her through lunch, that and another cup of coffee.  
She was vaguely aware of another human in the elevator with them, but her mind was on the conversation with Marnus and Jedrak as the elevator doors closed._ _

__“S’alright,” she promised Jedrak. “We’ll go run another match in a few days, can ask them to up the ante.”_ _

__“Thresher maw” Jedrak suggested._ _

__Shepard felt herself freeze as she remembered her first encounter with a thresher maw. She wasn’t standing in the elevator anymore. She was back on Akuze, the screams of her squadmates filling her ears as the vehicle was ripped in two. Lt. Jordan had been ripped in two by the worm. He’d barely had time to scream, but she remembered the wet blood flying onto her armor. Gunnery Chief Jennifer Lundon had been next, trying to shoot the thing with her sidearm before it ripped her apart._ _

__Shepard only survived by shoving a live grenade down the creature’s throat and punching the damned thing until it let her go._ _

__Marnus was the first one to recognize her flashback as the normally put together bouncer started shaking in front of him. Jedrak stared at her for a long moment as Marnus grabbed her by the arm. “Get her out of the elevator. PTSD,” the Turian told the Krogan. “Don’t let anyone too near.”_ _

__Jedrak rumbled his agreement as the doors opened and he guarded their backs while Marnus pulled Shepard off to one side, forcing her down onto a bench. “Shep?” he called her name firmly, trying to draw her out of her own mind._ _

__Jedrak eyed the human who followed them off the elevator and stepped forward menacingly. “What do you want?” he demanded, moving to block the man’s view of Shepard and Marnus._ _

__“What’s wrong with Shepard?” Kaidan demanded at the Krogan who was looming in front of him, trying to get around the Krogan to Shepard and Marnus._ _

__Shepard’s breathing finally started to slow and her eyes flew open as she came back to herself, realizing she’d had a panic attack in the middle of an elevator with her coworkers. But neither Jedrak or Marnus seemed to think less of her. They were..shielding her from someone. “Shit, Akuze,” she murmured under her breath._ _

__Marnus sat back. “That was you?” he asked in surprise. He then shot an annoyed glare towards the human. “Go back to your business, human. Leave Shepard alone.”_ _

__“I served with her on the Normandy,” Kaidan replied in an even voice. “I know her.”_ _

__Marnus eyed him, clearly not believing the human and not recognizing the second human spectre either. “Shepard?” he asked in a low tone. “It alright to let this asshole over here?”_ _

__“Wh-“ Shepard shook her head to clear it and her shoulders slumped. “I guess..that’s Major Kaidan Alenko.”_ _

__“You hurt her, I toss you over the railing,” Jedrak rumbled at Kaidan before he finally moved aside, but he remained looming in the background._ _

__Marnus gave him a similar warning look as he let Kaidan approach Shepard._ _

__A wave of concern flowed over the Alliance Major as he gazed on the woman he’d once loved (still did, really), sitting in scuffed up armor and leaning forward with her head in her hands, black, sweaty hair sticking to her forehead and cheeks. “Shepard, you okay?” Kaidan asked as he knelt beside her. He reached out, instinctively putting a hand on her shoulder._ _

__She slowly performed the breaking exercises the doctors had taught her, calming her heart rate and her mind. “Flashback,” she bit the words out. “I get them now and again.”_ _

__“You also look like you didn’t get any sleep,” Kaidan replied, eyeing the dark circles under her eyes. “Why don’t we cancel lunch and I’ll get you back to your apartment.”_ _

__Jedrak and Marnus both stepped forward, eying him again._ _

__Shepard sighed and held up a hand. “It’s alright boys. I was supposed to meet the Major here for lunch, but I think he’s right. I’ll be okay.”_ _

__“I’ll tell the managers you won’t make it in tonight,” Marnus said firmly, his look telling her not to argue. “I’ll see you in two days.”_ _

__“Thanks Marnus, Jedrak. And thanks for the match,” Shepard managed._ _

__The Turian and Krogan eyed Kaidan one last time before the headed off._ _

__“Come on, Shepard, lets get you home,” Kaidan said firmly in her ear._ _

__Her traitorous heart beat a little faster at that. “Thanks Alenko,” Shepard said, forcing herself to keep her tone friendly but neutral._ _


	14. Give Me A Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan helps Shepard cope with her panic attack, and they get a third chance to get things right.  
> This chapter ended up being inspired by two different songs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Just Give Me a Reason" copyright Pink. Song "Monster" Copyright Imagine Dragons

_”Monster” - Imagine Dragons”_  
_If I told you what I was_  
_Would you turn your back on me?_  
_And if I seem dangerous_  
_Would you be scared?_  
_I get the feeling just because_  
_Everything I touch isn't dark enough_  
_If this problem lies in me_  
_I'm only a man with a candle to guide me_  
_I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me_  
_A monster, a monster_  
_I've turned into a monster_

 

_”Just Give Me a Reason” - Pink featuring Nate Ruess_  
_Just give me a reason_  
_Just a little bit's enough_  
_Just a second we're not broken just bent_  
_And we can learn to love again_  
_I never stopped_  
_You're still written in the scars on my heart_  
_You're not broken just bent_  
_And we can learn to love again_

Shepard fell onto her couch and felt Kaidan's hand leave her shoulder briefly. She buried her head in her hands, heedless of the fact that she was still in armor and it was uncomfortable as hell. 

She'd never wanted him to see her like this. Jedrak and Marnus, Steve and James, she was okay with them seeing her break down. But Kaidan? She hadn't interacted with him but in passing since the day she'd turned down his offer to rejoin the Normandy. Now he was commanding the ship, and she was a retired, broken mess of a woman.

She heard the door shut and realized she was alone...in her apartment...with her ex that she was still in love with.

Shit.

“Shepard, you okay?” Kaidan's voice held concern as he came back to the couch and took a seat beside her. She risked a glance up from her hands and found him watching her almost warily. 

She took a shuttering sigh and dropped her hands onto her knees. “It was a flash back. They're more frequent since the war ended. It can be Akuze, the Normandy going down, the Collectors, or something during the Reaper War...it doesn't happen as often as it did the first year after the war, and I'm on medication, but they're not something I can really control.”

He frowned. “You're not sleeping either, are you?” 

Shepard shook her head slowly. “I don't have nightmares every night, but I do get them often, more often than the flashbacks or panic attacks. Last night was a bad one. I figured I'd just push through it like I normally do. Met Jedrak and Marnus for a match at the Arena, come back here and shower, then lunch. Physical activity usually helps. Then Jedrak mentioned the thresher and I just...lost it.”

“Hey, it isn't your fault.” Kaidan reached out to take her hand. She felt his fingers holding her armored and gloved hand. She recalled the one time she'd had a panic attack in front of him, not long after they'd defeated Saren, and he'd spent hours just comforting her. Some part of her wanted that right now, wanted it badly.

But they weren't together anymore and hadn't been for almost five years. True he was no longer engaged, but..

“It isn't your fault, Shepard. You've held yourself together for so long. Don't you deserve to fall apart once in awhile?” Kaidan asked, running his thumb across her palm.

She laughed, a shrill sound. “Fall apart? Kaidan, that's all I've been doing since the end of the war. I..” 

“You what?” Kaidan asked. “Tell me, Shepard. Vega and Cortez mentioned you'd hit a rough spot.”

Shepard laughed again, but this time it was a short, harsh bark of laughter. “A rough spot?” She looked up at him, forcing herself to meet his gaze, and saw nothing but concern, and something else she couldn't or didn't want to identify, there.

“I lost it completely, Kaidan, after the war. After the pulled my shattered body out from under a pile of rubble. I know you hated Cerberus, I do to for a lot, but what they did when they put me back together the first time is the only thing that kept me alive. I really didn't expect to survive the Crucible, you know. After Anderson died, I expected to die with him.” 

She turned her head and stared straight ahead as she spoke. “For the longest time I didn't care. I just lay there passively, letting the doctors do whatever they had to. They had to amputate the leg first, and I was in a wheel chair for Anderson's memorial. Then I lost the hand. I stared at myself in the mirror and I didn't care. I was scared and broken, and I didn't care how I looked or if I lived or any of it.” Shepard folded her hands, twisting her fingers together. “After I finally got released and finished PT, James and Steve tried to get me to do things again. We went to Coronado, San Diego, and they took me sightseeing. But then they had to leave, and I didn't care again. They were gone and I didn't have to pretend anymore.”

She took a deep breath. “I started drinking. Daily. Not just beer or a shot or two. I was drinking bottles a day. Enough to get even a biotic smashed. I drank and I sat on my couch. The only times I left my apartment were for doctors appointments and to go to Commissary. If it wasn't for Joseph and Maria I probably wouldn't have talked to anyone. Joseph was another war vet, and he helped me into my house a couple of times when I got too damned drunk on the porch and passed out. Maria would come over and help me clean up sometimes. They both knew I was in pieces, but they didn't give up on me.” 

“I didn't answer messages from anyone but Kolyat, and that was just because he was Thane's son. I sent a gift when he and his wife got married, but that was it. The morning I decided to get sober, I was thinking about killing myself...again. I thought about it so many damned times during those months. I just wanted the nightmares, the memories, the pain, I just wanted to to go away, and I realized the alcohol could only chase it away temporarily.” She looked up at him, feeling tears leaking from her eyes. “Ever feel like that?”

“Yeah, actually,” Kaidan said, surprising her. His deep brown eyes met her hazel. “Right after the first Normandy went down.” He saw her wince and squeezed her hand, continuing. “It wasn't your fault, Shepard. But I realized I couldn't just drink myself to death.” His tone was gentle. “What made you stop drinking?”

“Esira sent me a message telling me she and Kolyat were having a baby, and asking me to be the godmother,” Shepard replied. His hand over hers felt so good, though she felt she didn't deserve it. “And it hit me that Thane would have hated what I was doing, and would have wanted me to be there to see the baby.” She sighed. “He wouldn't want me to use him as an anchor or a reason to give up. He wanted me to move on eventually.”

“Was Thane the reason you didn't want me back on the Normandy” Kaidan asked, his voice sounding pained.

She could barely see him through her bad eye and the tears but she nodded. “Yes, and I'm so sorry Kaidan. Thane's death during the coupe just threw me completely. And the one person I should have begged to come back to the Normandy I turned away. I was so damn afraid of losing someone else that I loved.” She gave a bitter chuckle. “And I told you no and watched you walk away. I was such a fucking idiot.”

“Shepard, I-” Kaidan paused, reaching out to take her other hand as well. “Shepard, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to give us a second chance.”

“Third chance, actually,” Shepard said softly. She stared into those warm brown eyes. “Us, Kaidan?”

“You weren't the only one who was an idiot about all of it,” Kaidan said seriously. “I know I hurt you on Horizon. I hated myself for that for so long, but I just made it worse on Mars. The coupe really didn't give us a good reunion at all.” He released one hand and brushed her tears away. “But Shepard, I still love you. I always have.”

“Rahna?” she asked.

“I loved her once..but she and I both knew it wouldn't work out. I don't think I ever should have asked her to marry me. I was trying to move on, but in the wrong direction,” Kaidan replied. “I know you loved Thane..do you still?”

“I still love you, Kaidan,” Shepard said softly. “Thane said once his first wife would always have a part of his heart. He had a part of mine, but he's gone, and I still love you. I never really got over you.” She sighed. “But Kaidan, you deserve a lot better than me.” She felt herself trembling. Commander Shepard who had held the damn universe together long enough to save it, was falling apart all over again. “I'm Frankenstein's fucking monster. I'm probably half synthetic or cybernetic. I'm not just broken, I'm shattered, and I don't know if I can ever put all the pieces together again. All the people I've killed, all the people I've let die, all the choices I've made. I'm a monster, Kaidan.”

And she was weeping again, tears spilling into her hands and she couldn't even bring herself to meet his gaze.

“Stop it, Audra. Stop!” Kaidan's voice broken through her winding throughout and the shock of hearing him use her first name, the first time she'd heard him use it before the first Normandy went down, caused her head to snap up and she stared at him.

“Audra,” he repeated in a gentlier tone. He pulled her unresisting hands back into his own. He pulled one glove off slowly, and then the other. Kaidan looked at the cybernetic left hand for one moment, and then her right, and held both tightly. “You always do what you think someone else needs, but you never stop and ask them what they need, do you?” He shook his head lightly.

“Audra, I don't want or need anyone but you. I know we can't just pick up where we left off,” he squeezed her hands. “But I love you, Audra Shepard. Just give me a reason, and I'll stay. I'm not asking to just pick up..but I'm asking that we give us a chance. Thank you give us a chance. You aren't a monster, Audra, you're the woman I love, scars and all.” He reached up and gently touched the blast scars on the left side of her face.

She took another shuttering breath and met his warm brown gaze. “I love you too, Kaidan. If you're willing to give us a chance, so I am. It might be rough, but I want to, so badly.”

He leaned forward, brushing his lips against her forehead, then the tip of her nose, and finally, haltingly, her lips. “We might be a little bent, but we aren't broken, Audra.” Finally he smiled. “Maybe you should get your armor off, and we can talk a little bit more.” He glanced towards her kitchen. “And I can make us lunch.”

Audra's smile was blinding. “I'd like that.”


	15. Dance With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan attend a wedding, and Shepard makes Kaidan dance with her.
> 
> Heads up, with November and NaNoWriMo coming up, there may not be many updates to this until sometime in December. Thanks to all who are willing to slog through the story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Shut Up and Dance" copyright Walk the Moon

_”Shut Up and Dance” – Walk the Moon_   
_She took my arm_   
_I don't know how it happened_   
_We took the floor and she said_   
_Oh don't you dare look back_   
_Just keep your eyes on me_   
_I said you're holding back_   
_She said shut up and dance with me_   
_This woman is my destiny_   
_She said oh oh oh_   
_Shut up and dance with me_

Shepard still wasn’t entirely sure she understood Quarian or Turian wedding rituals, but since the ceremony had been an odd mix of Quarian, Turian, and human, she supposed it didn’t matter.

Tali had three quasi-brides maids. In Quarian culture their job was to spend the days leading up to the wedding ensuring that the bride didn’t become ill. Garrus had three attendants to match Tali’s, though from Shepard’s limited understanding and overhearing Zaeed’s mutterings they were there to scare anyone away who might try and threaten the wedding.

So maybe not all that different from human customs as she thought.

The ceremony was conducted jointly by a Quarian Admiral and the Turian Councilor. She could only imagine the wrangling that had taken, and more than once she’d warned them both not to mess things up for Tali and Garrus. Evidently battered Captain Shepard still had a bit of pull with people, even almost three years after the end of the war. Shepard knew Tali wouldn’t have a wedding dress since Quarians had to be in their suits when not on their homeworld, but she had never seen a Quarian suit decked out that fantastically. The fabric draped attractive and belted here and there to Tali’s suit certainly mimicked a wedding dress.

Garrus, for once, was not in hard armor, but some interesting combination of soft armor and suit. You could take the warrior out of the battlefield, but not the battlefield out of the warrior. He’d even polished the scope he always wore over one eye. Zaeed, Grunt, and Kaidan stood as his attendants. Zaeed had worn armor, which briefly caused Shepard to groan. She didn’t think Grunt owned anything but armor. Kaidan was actually wearing a suit rather than dress blues, though she was pretty sure he had a sidearm under the jacket. Her jaw had dropped at seeing that, and she wondered what other occasions she could concoct that would have in him a suit again. 

She stood near Tali with Liara and, surprisingly, Jack. Liara wore one of those elegant Asari dresses in a lavendar than the bride wore. Jack wore something resembling a lavendar asari dress, though it looked as if someone had taken scissors to it. 

Tali had to use all her persuasive skills to get Shepard in a dress. Liara had finally convinced Shepard an Asari style dress was her best bet, and would match the other bridesmaids. Lavender, high necked, and long sleeved, and nearly floor length with small slits, Shepard was confident that kind of thing would hide most of her scars. What she hadn’t expected was that it was backless. It had taken Liara’s persuasive skills to get her to wear the thing.

It was for Tali though. So she’d stood there in a backless, long sleeved dress holding a vial of antibiotic (Quarian tradition in place of bouquets she thought?), and witnessed the bonding of two of her oldest friends. Most of the scars were faded now at least, though one angry red scar remained that went almost the length of her spine.

Now the reception was in full swing. Dextro food stood on one side of the room, Levo food on the other to prevent contamination. Music played and a variety of individuals and races were moving on the dance floor. There were a lot of Quarians and Turians, a few Asari and humans, and pretty much anyone who’d ever been a member of a Normandy crew and was still alive. Jacob and Brynn sat with their two and a half year old daughter, Esen Audra Taylor. At least Jacob had convinced Brynn not to name the girl “Shepard.” Miranda and her sister Oriana were in discussion with a Quarian. Other members of the current Normandy crew were chatting with each other or on the dance floor. 

Shepard sat with Maria and Mayekaa at a table on the far side of the room, watching the dance floor. Tali had spent some time with the two women during the flight to the Citadel, and decided since they were Shepard’s family, she was inviting them, not the Shepard minded at all.

“Think you can dance?” Mayekaa asked Maria with a smile as she glanced towards the various couples.

Maria grinned back. “As long as we’re careful of the sling I can. The doctors didn’t say I couldn’t walk. Though I think when we get married, it will be something smaller. Maybe the Normandy crew, Kolyat, Esira, their daughter, Shepard and Zaeed obviously, and your family?”

“Zaeed?” Shepard asked with a raised brow.

“You were the one who said he was the asshole older brother of our family,” Maria grinned at Audra. “And it isn’t as if I haven’t seen enough of him at the apartment.”

Shepard snorted and took another sip of tea. They didn’t have coffee at the reception, but they did have tea for the humans and Asari at least. “Go dance you two.”

Mayekaa and Maria chuckled before the Asari lead her lover to the dance floor.

Shepard sighed and shifted her leg, muttering as her left cybernetic leg locked up for a moment at the knee. She eased it slowly into a more comfortable position.

“Shepard, how are you doing?” Miranda’s voice floated to her ear and she glanced up to see the elegant woman, dressed in a long red dress with cutouts in all the right places, standing beside her. Miranda took the seat that Maria had just vacated and considered her former comrade in arms and patient.

“Doing alright,” Shepard replied with a slight shrug. “There are some days I’m rather grateful for the cybernetics you used when you rebuilt me. They keep my joints from creaking too much.”

Miranda reached out, lightly touching the scars on the left side of Shepard’s face. “I offered to help when they found your body after the Crucible. Damned Alliance. Willing to accept my help during the war, but after?” She frowned suddenly and took Shepard’s left hand in hers. “What is this, the Gracelin model? This thing is shit.” Shepard was surprised to see anger flare in Miranda’s eyes, though she knew it wasn’t at her. “If I’d been able to help you probably still would have lost the leg, but I might have been able to save this. Damn regulating bastards.”

“Easy, Miranda,” Shepard said. “Miranda, if it wasn’t for how you put me back together to begin with, I wouldn’t have survived the crucible. Your cybernetics and work saved my life. You’ve done a lot for me, even if you were doing it for Cerberus.” She held up the left hand. “I can live with this if I have to, knowing I am alive.”

Miranda shook her head. “I still have access to my father’s money, Oriana and I do, and it can still buy a lot more than people would expect.” She gave Shepard a determined look. “You’re my friend, Shepard. Before you, I didn’t have a lot of those that I could actually trust. I can at least get you a better hand and leg. Let me.”

Shepard knew that look, and she held her hand up in surrender. “Alright, Miranda. We’ll do it your way. Not sure how I can repay you for this one, but having better cybernetic limbs would help.” Shepard and learned to be upfront with these things to Miranda over the years, things she probably wouldn’t have told anyone else, even Chakwas.

Miranda’s gaze softened a bit and she actually smiled. “Don’t worry about repayment, Shepard. You’ve already done enough. This is something I want to do.” She glanced around the room, noticing Jack on the dance floor. “Is she…dancing?”

Shepard followed Miranda’s gaze. “Yeah, something I can’t do well, but you know Jack.”

Shepard was glad she didn’t see the animosity in Miranda’s gaze she used to towards Jack. “True. Is she dancing with Zaeed?”

Shepard blinked. “Er, I do believe she is. Hell, I didn’t even know the man danced.”

“I guess we’re all full of surprises,” Miranda said. She patted Shepard’s hand. “I’ll contact you about the limbs in a few weeks. And I know you don’t dance, but maybe you out to grab that Major of yours and try.” Miranda smiled again. “I like him better now than on Horizon.”

“Thanks Miranda,” Shepard said dryly as the other woman nodded and headed off to find her sister.

She was not dancing tonight. She was not putting herself on display, particularly not in this damned dress.

Her eyes sought out Kaidan though, standing to one side of the room chatting with Gabby and Ken. Those two had already gotten married, quietly at some point during the past three years. That’s the way she’d want to do it if she ever got married, otherwise there’d probably be a bunch of media, and while Diana had been alright, Shepard still wasn’t fond of the media.

Marriage…Shepard smiled crookedly at the thought. She and Kaidan had only begun dating again within the past few weeks, and they were taking it slow. So much had changed for both of them over five years. Kaidan wasn’t the shy marine she remembered, and Shepard had a lot of mental and physical baggage as a result of her role in the war. 

The Normandy would have to ship out again in another week or two, though Kaidan promised this jot wouldn’t be as long as their last one, just a couple of months. They would have vid calls, and Shepard promised to be waiting at the Citadel for him when the Normandy returned. The last three weeks had been a little heady, and space might help them both focus and figure out what they really wanted from this. 

One thing she was glad of, she hadn’t seen any fear or resignation in Kaidan’s eyes when she promised to be waiting on the Citadel for his return. Instead, she had seen trust, and anticipation. That warmed her as nothing else could.

She nodded her head idly in time with the music as she watched him. Kaidan looked up for a moment and his brown gaze met her hazel and she felt her stomach do a funny little flip, like the first time Kaidan had looked at her that way so many years ago. Before she realized what she was doing, she was out of her chair and crossing the room.

Shepard found herself grinning like an idiot as she tugged on one of Kaidan’s hands. “Dance with me.”

Kaidan looked surprised for a moment. “But you don-“

“Shut up and dance with me!” Shepard insisted.

Slowly, an answering smile flickered over Kaidan’s lips, and he let Shepard pull him onto the dance floor.


	16. I Want to Hold You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With depression and PTSD, there are good days and there are bad days. Everything can seem to be going okay on the outside, and then a bad day hits. Shepard is far from immune to this reality. It does help to know you have people you can rely on though.
> 
> Updates are still going to be slow until December due to an original Nanowrimo fic, but this song came on my Ipod and bugged me until I wrote the chapter. There are some repetitions in themes of the chapters, but Shepard is still rebuilding herself and she and Kaidan are still rebuilding their relationship. Everything takes time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Broken" copyright Seether

_”Broken” – Seether”_  
 _I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh_  
 _I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away_  
 _I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well_  
 _I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_  
 _'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome_  
 _And I don't feel right when you're gone away_  
 _You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore_  
 _The worst is over now and we can breathe again_  
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away  
 _There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight_  
 _I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_  
 _'Cause I'm broken when I'm open_  
 _And I don't feel like I am strong enough_  
 _'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome_  
 _And I don't feel right when you're gone away_

Kaidan and Shepard both swore to take it slowly. This wasn’t like their first night before Ilos: quick and feverish, with an edge of desperation. Nor was this like their time after Saren’s defeat and before the first Normandy’s destruction, a pleasant time filled with the wonder of discovering each other.

They were both older now, and both scarred in their own ways from the original Normandy, Horizon, the Collectors, and the Reaper War. The desperation and feeling of no time was gone, and the initial wonder was long past. Now they were two adults who realized, for once in their lives, they finally had time: Time to invest in themselves, time to invest in each other, time to actually get to know one another.

As the last days passed, and the Normandy SR2’s next departure neared, Shepard found she didn’t want him to go, she didn’t want to be separated again, but she knew it was a necessity of their lives. Neither of them was ready or willing to rush into anything. Their heady few weeks together, reawakening passions five years lost, made them both realize that they needed to evaluate the time they’d spent together, and figure out where they would go from here.

But they both acknowledged they wanted to move forward, together, somehow.

For now, it felt like enough.

Two nights before the Normandy was set to depart, Shepard fell asleep with her head in Kaidan’s lap on the couch while they watched the latest Blasto flick. Somehow she fell asleep through all the ridiculous dialogue and explosions, and she was drooling on Kaidan’s thigh as she slept. He’d shifted himself into a comfortable position at some point, reclining a bit against the sofa cushions. Kaidan didn’t have the heart to wake her, knowing how little sleep she got some nights because of the nightmares. He eventually drifted off himself to the droning of the vid screen.

Her hoarse cry of terror woke him hours later, her entire body trembling as she lay on the length of the couch, clutching at his thigh.

“Shepard? Shepard. It’s okay, I’ve got you, you’re safe, it’s over,” Kaidan pulled her up and into his arms as he attempted to sooth the nightmare away. Her eyes fluttered open, stark terror in them for a moment before she surfaced completely and let herself bury her head in his shoulder and weep.

Kaidan’s heart ached. How many nights had she awoken like this, completely alone, with no one to chase the dreams away? How many nights after her resurrection, and during the war, had he missed? There were mistakes on both sides, but he wanted to make up for it, and be here for her now.

After a few minutes the tears subsided, and Shepard lay limp and exhausted in his arms, her face still turned inward towards his neck and shoulder. 

“What was it this time?” Kaidan asked, knowing it wasn’t the first or last time she would awaken from a nightmare. 

“The Crucible,” she murmured against his skin. “That beam of light, watching Anderson die, then the decision….” She drew her head back, her shoulder slumping. “I had to decide, Kaidan..the fate of the freaking universe. Merge synthetics and organics, make everything one? Take control of the Reapers myself,” she shuttered at that thought, “or destroy them, and destroy the Geth and any other AIs while I was at it…like EDI…”

“Joker’s EDI?” Kaidan asked gently.

Shepard nodded tiredly.

“I don’t know if anyone else would have been able to make that decision, honestly, Shepard,” Kaidan said softly. “You’re the only one who had seen it all, you’re the one who knew about the threat of the Reapers even when none one, including me, listened.”

“But you’re listening now,” she said softly. “That matters to me Kaidan. We can’t change the past, but you’re here now.” She sighed. “I feel so broken, like there are pieces of me that will never fit back together again.”

“Even if you are ‘broken,’ Shepard, I don’t car,” Kaidan replied, pulling her chin up gently so he could meet her gaze. His voice went distant a moment and she remembered hearing that his father had been declared KIA. “I know neither of us is who we were five years ago, but maybe that’s a good thing. Like you said, we’ve got a third chance. I wasn’t there after you were brought back, but I am here now. Let me hold you, please.”

Shepard smiled at him and turned her head back into his neck, inhaling his scent, and shifted her body against his. His breath hitched a moment and she turned her gaze back up to him, looking uncertain. “I’m…sorry…”

“I think both of us may want this, but I don’t know if we’re ready for it again, yet,” Kaidan said honestly. He knew pretty much the entire Normandy crew had been taking bets on when Kaidan and Shepard would end up in bed together again, but neither of them had pushed for it. 

“We’ll figure things out in the next few months,” she said, letting out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “And maybe when the Normandy docks..”

He chuckled at the heat in her eyes. “I like that idea,” he replied, pressing his lips against her own.

When he released her mouth, she leaned back against him again, and Kaidan was just content to hold her right now. “We’ll have vid calls every few days, now that they’ve come communications back up, and messages.” He smiled faintly. “But I think this long distance relationship might work out a bit better than my last one. You aren’t Rahna.”

She tilted her head. “I actually know what I’m getting into,” she agreed. “It’s been five years..a few more months won’t hurt, but, maybe in the future..”

“We can figure out something a bit more permanent,” he said quietly. “I’d rather be there when you have nightmares than not. But remember I will be just a message or a call away. If you need me, call me.”

“I will,” she promised. “And I will be waiting on the dock for you when you get back.”


	17. Cause I Need Something That Can Wash Out the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares continue, and Shepard looks for something, other than alcohol, to wash away the terror and pain for a little while. She gets a reminder of why its good she succeeded, and resolves again to keep fighting against her demons.
> 
> Thank you to my readers who are hanging around to see what happens next.  
> (Yay for nanowrimo word count for the day being done?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Ghost" copyright Ella Henderson

_”Ghost” – Ella Henderson_   
_Give up the ghost_   
_No more haunting baby_   
_I keep going to the river_   
_I keep going to the river to pray_   
_'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain_   
_And at most_   
_I'm sleeping all these demons away_   
_But your ghost, the ghost of you_   
_It keeps me awake_

_The ghostly image of a child running through the woods flickered before her eyes. Shepard took off in a dash after the child. She had to save him; she had to keep him safe from the Reapers. She had failed so many people. She’d seen so many people die. If she could save just one child then.._

_An explosion of smoke and blood, a voice telling her she had to chose, she had to decide the fate of the galaxy. Destroy, Synthesis, Control. The words repeated themselves in her mind until she screamed, but her throat was so damaged nothing but a soft keen came out. A flash of light, the decision to destroy, to destroy the monsters who had taken so much from the galaxy, from her._

_Aren’t you just a monster then too, the child’s voice mocked her. They destroy, you destroy, how are you any different?_

_Because I care_ she cried with tears streaming down her face. _I care that the Geth will be gone. I mourned Legion, I will mourn Edi. They aren’t just things to be harvested and controlled. They were my friends!_

Shepard ricochet back to consciousness, pain shooting through her body as she sat up in bed and stared into the darkness of her apartment.

Cold and alone, just as she had been every day since…She shook her head, trying to clear it even as she still felt tears from the nightmare streaming down her cheeks.

She was alone in bed, but that’s because she and Kaidan were taking things slow, and because Kaidan was currently out on the Normandy SR2. Checking the clock told her it was almost 09:00 hours Citadel time, which meant Kaidan would be in the middle of his day. She’d spoken to him via vid call just a few hours ago, when she was getting ready to go to bed and he was waking up.

How many times had she dreamed of that shadow child? The Catalyst had mocked her, taking from her mind the form of a child she couldn’t save, a child she’d gotten to know over her months in captivity while waiting for the Alliance to make a decision. A child she’d never have herself.

Cerberus’s technology had managed to save her life a second time after the Catalyst, but even that miracle couldn’t save her ability to have children. When she’d awoken to that news, she’d accepted it as passively as she’d accepted everything else at the time.

Maybe it was just as well. She and Kaidan were getting older, if they eventually decided to go the marriage or bonding route. The first few weeks after Ilos, the subject of marriage and children had come up once or twice. Neither she nor Kaidan and mentioned children in the few weeks they’d been together since reuniting.

She clearly still had her own demons to wrestle with as it was. She wanted peace…she wanted to be free of the nightmares and the survivor’s guilt, and actually just feel like it was totally okay to live her life again.

Though she’d only had a few hours of sleep, Shepard crawled out of bed and stumbled into the shower anyway. After changing and grabbing a leftover ration bar for breakfast (Marnus had managed to convince her to buy real food most of the time, but she still always kept some ration bars on hand), Shepard left the apartment and started walking.

She ended up at one of the parks on the Citadel, with a lovely false river running through the center of it. 

_I keep going to the river to pray_ She heard in her head, echoing an old earth song from the 21st century. _At most, I’m sleeping all these demons away. But your ghost, the ghost of you still keeps me away_.

That ghost child kept waking her up, the memories of those she couldn’t save.

“I just want permission to live,” she sighed. “Permission to move on and try to find peace.”

“Captain Shepard?”

Shepard’s head snapped in the direction of the unknown voice addressing her. She saw a small family approaching her…a Quarian couple. A smaller Quarian walked between them, a little boy, she guessed, about the size of a human toddler.

“Yes?” she asked, turning to face the family. The glaring light in the Citadel highlighted the blast scars on the left side of her face and the crisscrossed network of white and red scars on her arm down to the false hand. But though she couldn’t see their faces through their visors, none of these three seemed to flinch at her appearance.

“Thank you, Captain Shepard, for giving us our home back,” the mother said, reaching down to lift her son into her arms. “Our son can walk without his suit on Rannoch…it was something we never hoped for before the war.” She sighed. “Though we do miss the help of the Geth.”

“They’ll get them back online,” the male Quarian told his wife, in a confident tone that Shepard almost found herself believing. 

“Is that…something they’re working on?” Shepard asked almost hesitantly.

“Yes,” he replied, seeming surprised that she didn’t know. “A lot of the data got corrupted, I understand, but they’ve managed to get some of the Geth individual consciousnesses into individual terminals, though not mobile platforms yet.” She got the impression he was smiling at her. “If you hadn’t pushed for peace, we would have never gotten the help from them that we did…we wouldn’t have our world, or our son now.”

It seemed almost exactly what she needed to hear. There were no accusations in their words regarding the shutdown of the Geth, only reflection on what they could do, and what they had gained.

“Thank you,” Shepard breathed. “So much has happened. Sometimes I lose sight of the good.”

The little Quarian protested at his mother until she let him down, and he toddled the distance between his mother and Shepard, then, just as a human child, or even Kolyat’s young daughter would, he held his hands out to her. A bit bemused, Shepard picked him up. “You behave for your mommy and daddy,” she told him. “And may you be happy.”

May he never know the pain she, or his parents, had suffered through the war. 

As the quarrian family left, Shepard turned her gaze back to the water. Her demons were still there, lurking beneath the surface, but she’d gotten yet another reminder of why it was good to be alive. 

If she could win the war with the Reapers, she could win the war with her own demons. The haunting might stop in time. She just had to be willing to combat it, and willing to lean on those who were willing to help her.

“I may be a demon…I may be a monster, but I care,” she repeated her words from her nightmare. “I am not the Reapers, because I care.”


	18. Say The Word And I'll Be There For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan reminds Shepard that it's okay to lean on others sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song ”Parachute“ copyright by Chris Stapleton

_”Parachute“ - Chris Stapleton_   
_You only need a roof when it's raining_   
_You only need a fire when it's cold_   
_You only need a drink when the whiskey_   
_Is the only thing that you have left to hold_   
_Sun comes up and goes back down_   
_And falling feels like flying till you hit the ground_   
_Say the word and I'll be there for you_   
_Baby, I will be your parachute_

“You get the final date for surgery?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard leaned forward on her desk, watching him on the screen. She could tell he was in the captain's quarters from the imagery behind him. The wall behind him looked a bit bare without all her models, she thought.

“Two weeks,” Shepard replied, brushing strange of dark hair back from her forehead. “Miranda said the adjustment period will probably be another few weeks while my body gets acclimated to the two new limbs. She held up her left hand. “This'll be my third hand. My body rejected the first one, it didn't mesh well with the cybernetics. It's a pain in the ass so hopefully it won't happen this time, though Miranda seems to think there's less change of failure with these new limbs.”

Kaidan frowned thoughtfully. “Normandy won't be back in dock for another four,” he said slowly. “You gonna be alright with that?”

Shepard blinked in surprise. After going through so many surgeries alone at the beginning when Cortez and Vega were going through their own recoveries, and then continued medical treatment after those two had rejoined the Normandy, she hadn't even thought about who would be with her while she was recovery from receiving the new limbs Miranda was providing. “Er..” she shrugged. “I've been through at least fifteen surgeries since the Crucible. One more surgery really isn't a big deal.”

She saw something flicker over Kaidan's expression, something that almost reminded her of how she felt when he was injured on Mars all those years ago. Kaidan almost seemed to realize even more how much she'd been through over the past three years, and it...pained him, she realized. 

“Kaidan, it's okay,” she hurried to reassure him. “Zaeed'll be on the Citadel, and Maria and Mayekaa will still be at the apartment for the first week before Maria has to go back on duty. And Kolyat and Erisa are just a call away. I'm not really going to be 'alone.'”

She saw him unbend, though only a little. “Just wish I could be there for you,” Kaidan said softly.

So many moments in their complicated past flickered before her eyes. She'd woken up alone in the Cerberus facility, she'd woken up alone after being recovered from the rubble, how was this any different?

But she realized he worried because he cared about her. She smiled a little.

“Hey, you will be,” Shepard replied. “We've still got our calls.” She reached out and held the edge of the screen, wishing she could place her hand over his cheek. Both their emotions were a bit of a mess over this. After all the times Kaidan hadn't been there for her...and the times she hadn't been there for him (abet the dead thing really wasn't her fault), they were still both getting used to the idea that they were there for each other again.

“Yeah, I still have nightmares, I probably will for a long time, but I haven't had as many in the past few weeks...not since we've been talking every night,” she told him.

He sighed. “I'm still going to see if there's anyway we can get there any sooner, Shepard. I know you and I still have a lot of rebuilding to do, but I want to be there for you.”

“And I want to be here for you,” she replied. They both reached out and touched the screen, wishing it was hand to hand instead of just a screen.

After awhile they reluctantly said their goodbyes, so Kaidan could get ready for the day ahead and Shepard could get some sleep. As she looked at the empty pillow beside her, though, she found herself thinking it might be nice to wake up every morning seeing his face, rather than just the vid calls.

~~

“You're doing well Shepard,” Miranda said as she stood and watched Shepard walk the distance from one end of the parallel bars to the other. 

Shepard gripped the right bar carefully, using it to help support her weight as she tested the new left leg. Everything with the leg seemed to be going well, but Miranda had warned her to take it slow to begin with. She would rather get it right now so the limbs wouldn't have to be replaced again in a few years.

They hadn't been as lucky with the first cybernetic hand. Shepard eyed it and chalked it up to another issue with the cybernetics. So she was on her fourth hand now, and it seemed to be functioning okay. Her biggest worry was that the joints in either leg or hand might lock up the way her old limbs had upon occasion.

She managed a grin at Miranda as she reached the end of the bars. “Guess I'm not getting any younger.” she said, “And only so much cybernetics can do.”

“You're having less issues with these than the old limbs though,” Miranda replied. “Good work today. I think you're good for short distances at least, but don't try and push yourself too hard.” She shot Shepard a hard look that Shepard could only laugh at.

“When have I not pushed myself too hard?” Shepard asked. 

“But we're not at war anymore, and you have time to let yourself recover properly and adjust,” Miranda replied in an sweet tone that did not fool Shepard, she could hear the steel beneath.

“I'll be careful Miranda,” she promised. “I don't go back to work for another two weeks.”

Miranda let Shepard make her way, on her own two feet, out of the hospital after the session was over. She'd take a skycab back to the apartment and probably spend the afternoon reading.

She decided to be stubborn and take the long way though, going towards the coffee shop first and catch a skycab from there rather than from the hospital. Miranda was right. When she was in the right frame of mind, Shepard pushed herself. She'd pushed herself to the brink during the Reaper war, then given up almost completely for a long time before she'd finally found the will to go on again.

She hadn't had a safety net, or at least one that she would acknowledge, in a long time. She was still getting used to depending on people again, even after almost a year of sobriety.

She snapped back to herself when she heard the word “Bitch,” yelled and only had a few seconds to react when a man charged her on the street. 

Shepard instinctively braced herself and threw up a biotic barrier in response. Some old habits never died.

He snarled as he bounced against the barrier. “Bitch. How come you're still alive when my family is dead? You should have died in the war!”

So that was it. Occasionally she did get a hostile response when someone recognized her, but it was typically limited to yelling obscenities. Some people still blamed her for deaths during the war...that ruthless calculus and all.

“And you'd be dead or a husk if it wasn't for her,” a low, angry tone surprised them both as someone jerked the man back from Shepard's barrier. Even if the guy was an asshole, she wasn't exactly looking to cause a scene, though she was tempted to throw him back against a wall. Evidently someone had decided to intervene before a scene was caused.

She was surprised to meet a familiar pair of warm brown eyes before those eyes returned to her attacker. Two others had run up behind the attacker, but they seemed surprised and backed away a little as Kaidan addressed the man.

“In a war, not everyone can be saved, but every man and woman here would have been dead or worse had Captain Shepard not fought in that war, and almost died doing it,” Kaidan continued in that same angry tone. “We could just have C-Sec arrest you now for attempted assault. Or you can walk away. But remember that next time you might not be so lucky. I think Shepard would have been well within her fights to slam you against something, and it would have been self defense.”

There was just a moment of tension before the man, and his two friends, ran off.

Then the anger was gone out of Kaidan's expression while Shepard still stared at him in surprise and he crossed his arms. “Should you really be putting so much weight on that leg?”

She rolled her eyes in response. “Miranda and the docs gave me the go ahead. Thought you weren't supposed to be back for another two days, not that I'm not happy to see you.”

“You weren't home when I called the apartment,” Kaidan replied easily and stepped forward as her barrier flickered away. “Woke Zaeed up on your couch and he said you were at the hospital in PT.”  
“Well I'm done now,” Shepard replied. She didn't resist when Kaidan slid an arm around her, and she let herself lean against him. She winced a little, and he eyed her.

“Uh huh. Over doing it was usual, Shepard?” he asked. “Lean on me, love. Let me be your parachute.”

In other words, let me be there for you when you need it. She knew what he meant, and she let herself relax against him as Kaidan lead her towards a skycab.

“Thank you, Shepard,” Kaidan sighed as she leaned against him and let him take some of her weight. “I know you didn't need me to interfere back again, but I want to be here for you,” he said, repeating his words from their vid call just a few weeks before.

“After so long, I'm still learning to lean on people again,” she said. She smiled and leaned up, catching his lips in a quick kiss with her own. “But for you, I'll try and learn a little faster.”


	19. I Loved You All Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard does some thinking, and makes some decisions about her relationship with Kaidan.  
> Fluff filled chapter..sickeningly sweet fluff in some places. You have been warned. 
> 
> And yes I know it is a Nickelback song, so shoot me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song ”Far Away" copyright by Nickelback

_“Far Away” - Nickelback_

_This time, this place misused, mistakes_   
_Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait_   
_Just one chance, just one breath_   
_Just in case there's just one left_   
_'Cause you know, you know, you know_

_That I love you_   
_I've loved you all along_   
_And I miss you_   
_Been far away for far too long_   
_I keep dreaming you'll be with me_   
_And you'll never go_   
_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

_On my knees, I'll ask last chance for one last dance_   
_'Cause with you, I'd withstand_   
_All of hell to hold your hand_   
_I'd give it all I'd give for us_   
_Give anything, but I won't give up_   
_'Cause you know, you know, you know_

Another mission for the Normandy, another farewell on the docks. Shepard tried to think that it was getting easier for her and Kaidan each time. The truth is, it just, well, was what it was. Each goodbye wasn't any easier than the first, but wasn't more difficult either.

Each time the Normandy shipped out, she stood on the dock and gave him a kiss and a promise that she would be there when the Normandy returned. They fell into a pattern over the months. The Normandy would leave for a few months, they'd connect every night they could via vid call, then they'd spend a few weeks together when the Normandy docked. Rinse and repeat.

This is what her future was shaping up to look like. It was...something she could live with, not that some part of her didn't long for a bit more.

There'd been the one shore leave where Kaidan had flown his mother up from Vancouver where she'd involved herself in the lives of his cousins, and Shepard had met Mrs. Alenko for a second time. The first time had been, well, almost six years now, since she and Kaidan had been together again for almost seven months. The first several moments had been awkward, until Mrs. Alenko threw her arms around Shepard and told her to call her 'Mom.' For a woman who barely remembered her parents and had spent most of her childhood on the streets, it was...nice.

Then there was the shore leave where, briefly they'd addressed the idea of the future. She and Kaidan had been sitting on a bench in one of the parks, his arm wrapped around her shoulders and her cheek resting on his. They'd been watching children of several races dance across the grass while they played some game that resembled tag.

“Ever want one of those?” Kaidan asked in a curious tone was he watched the kids.

Shepard had winced slightly at the question. She'd wondered if it would ever come up. She and Kaidan weren't getting any younger, but they weren't completely out of the timeframe most humans had their kids.

“I used to wonder about it when I was younger,” she said softly. “With everything that happened...well I can't...can't have one of my own.” Her words were stilted and she was afraid to look up and see his expression, wondering if he'd want her any less because she couldn't give him a child of his own flesh and blood.

Kaidan's arm tightened around her. “What do you think about adoption?” he asked.

She lifted her head finally, meeting his gaze. “I think I could get on board with that. Not a baby though, everyone wants to adopt a baby because they're in that cute and cuddly stage. When I was still at the orphanage, I knew I'd never get adopted because I was too old.”

Kaidan had turned his head, lifting her chin gently with his fingers, and brushed his lips against her own. “I'm good with adoption,” he said. “It isn't flesh and blood that always makes a family, I think you're pretty much proof of that.”

Kaidan stayed in the apartment every time the Normandy docked, and they'd both referred to it as Their apartment more than once. They seemed to be settling into a more long term relationship, but neither of them had really flat out said what they thought their long term future would look like, beyond being together.

It had her thinking. Somehow, one night over coffee and Turian brandy after a shift, she spilled her thoughts on the subject to Marnus. Shepard was nursing her coffee while Marnus finished off a glass of the Turian brandy.

“So when are you going to bond with him?” Marnus inquired.

Shepard sputtered on her coffee. “Er, what?”

“When are you going to become permanent bondmates with that human biotic of yours?” Marnus asked again. “What's the human term...when are you going to get married?”

Shepard blinked. “We haven't really discussed it,” she replied. “I mean, we've established that we're in a long term, exclusive relationship, but neither of us have said the M word.”

Marnus snorted. “Well damn, Shepard, what are you, scared? Next time that biotic of yours is on the Citadel, bond with him! Come on, the Spirits have thrown you two together how many times? The Normandy, that one time, the war, and now. The Spirits aren't gonna wait forever you know.”

“We'd still be separated now and then, when the Normandy goes out, like we are now,” she replied.

Marnus shrugged. “Well, you get that in the military, both of you were aware of it before you started your relationship and you were willing to accept it.” He looked thoughtful and his mandibles clicked. “But, Shepard, you've got more options now than you did when you were in the military. You're retired, you could live anywhere if you wanted. So you two could get married and carry on as you are now, or...you can join him on the ship, can't you?”

Marnus's words had gotten her thinking about the whole thing. Sure she and Kaidan could just declare they were in a relationship neither of them intended to get out of, but Shepard still had a bit of a romantic buried somewhere inside.

So Shepard did something she never thought she'd do.

She'd taken Mayekaa with her, since she didn't necessarily trust her own taste entirely. Maria had been redeployed, and Mayekaa had ended up working as security for the Asari Councilor, which did afford her a bit more freedom than if she'd been back patrolling on Thessia. Mayekaa and Maria had already discussed marriage, or becoming bondmates at any rate to use the Asari term. They were going to wait until Maria's enlistment ended, then they'd plan a quiet wedding and possibly settle somewhere on Earth, or maybe a colony, they weren't sure yet.

That made Mayekaa defacto family in Shepard's book, and Mayekaa had spent more than one evening watching bad movies on the vid screen with Shepard in the apartment, though she'd gotten her own place where she and Maria had more privacy for the rare times Maria's ship was docked a the Citadel.

They'd gone to four different stores before Shepard found something that satisfied what she wanted. Mayekaa clicked her tongue over Shepard's selections, pushing two aside and pointing to the third. “That one, if you want my opinion.”

The one in question was a polished titanium with small pin prick sized jewels embedded all the way around. They were blue sapphires, like Kaidan's favorite Alliance blue.

So Shepard had purchased both bands. Her resources made getting Kaidan's ring size easy, and she'd had the band sized to fit him.

Now hopefully he would want to wear it.

She stood now on the station, waiting for the Normandy to dock. She wore Kaidan's old Alliance hoodie that she'd never gotten rid of, with her normal black tactical pants and t-shirt underneath.

She smiled when Kaidan finally stepped off the shuttle and approached her, pulling her into his arms for a quick kiss.

“Audra, I missed you,” he said, nuzzling her neck lightly.

Shepard hummed in contently as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “I missed you too, Kaidan,” she replied.

As he pulled back, his eyes crinkled at her attire. “Is that my old sweatshirt?”

Shepard smiled, almost shyly a moment. “From that first shore leave,” she replied.

“You've kept it all these years?” Kaidan asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Some part of me always knew it was you,” Shepard replied.

They caught a skycab back to the apartment. As Kaidan walked in and dropped his bag on the floor, he sighed, glancing around. “I always like coming back to this place. It feels like home with you here.”

“I've been thinking about that, actually,” Shepard said. “The whole idea of home and all.”

Kaidan's brow creased at her words. “Oh?” he asked, waiting for her to elaborate. He felt parts nervous and parts curious, wondering what was on her mind.

“Well, about where home is,” Shepard continued, crossing the distance between them and taking his hands in hers. “Home really isn't necessarily just one place. It's where your loved ones and your family are.”

Kaidan's expression relaxed just a little and he nodded in agreement, leaning forward to kiss her lightly again. “True. Right here is with you though. So the Normandy is home, after a fashion, but so is this apartment, since you aren't on the Normandy.”

“I could be though,” she offered. “I could come with you next time you ship out. I'm retired now, so it's not like we'd be getting in trouble for any kind of fraternization.”

Kaidan smiled a little. “I like that idea,” he replied. “It's lonely waking up without you every morning. I know we've got vid calls and all, but I'd prefer to have you close to me more often than not.”

“Alright then,” Shepard breathed, suddenly feeling giddy. Kaidan lifted a brow at her.

Keeping one of his hands in her own, Shepard sank down onto her right knee and pulled the slim white box out of the pocket of the Alliance hoodie. She took a deep breath and opened the box, offering it up to him and gave him a lopsided smile.

“I'll ask you, Kaidan, one chance for a dance? I know we've been through so much, good and bad. But Its you, its always been you, somehow, some way. I love you, Kaidan Alenko, and I know now, as somehow I've always known, you're the one I want to spend my life with.”

Kaidan's eyes went wide. He wasn't expecting this. Then he started to laugh, pulling her up off the floor as he did. He reached inside the pocket of his own jacket and showed her the small box he had there, flipping it open. Another titanium ring, polished until it shined, with a heart shaped ruby mounted in the titanium.

Shepard started laughing too then, leaning against him as the two of them both laughed so hard they cried.

  
When they finally regained control, she pushed him over to the couch and landed in his lap. Kaidan lifted the titanium and sapphire ring out of Shepard's box and slid it onto his left hand in response, and Shepard smiled, taking the ruby ring and slipped it into her own finger.

“Always, Shepard,” Kaidan said as he pulled her against him. “I loved you all along.”

She turned in his lap so that she was straddling him, deepening the kiss. Kaidan groaned, threading his fingers through her short, dark hair as she rocked against him. She could feel his desire through their clothing, and his breath hitched as she shifted against him again.

“Audra?” he said her name in a questioning tone, wondering just how far they would go.

“No more waiting, Kaidan,” Audra replied. “It's been over five damn years, and I need you.” She squeezed her thighs against hims. “Now.”

They both groaned when he lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his waist, carrying her towards the bedroom.

“I'm going to make love to you while both of us are wearing nothing but our rings,” he promised. “We'll tell everyone else sometime tomorrow, but tonight...tonight is for us.”

“Tonight is for us,” she agreed as she nibbled on his lower lip.

 

 

 


	20. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a lose end is tied up with some good news, and Shepard and Kaidan plan a wedding. Just a bit longer to go before this story wraps up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Wake Me Up" copyright Avicci

_“Wake Me Up” - Avicci_

_Feeling my way through the darkness_  
Guided by a beating heart  
I can't tell where the journey will end  
But I know where to start  
They tell me I'm too young to understand  
They say I'm caught up in a dream  
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes  
Well that's fine by me

 

Changes in life were inevitable, and it was how you reacted that made the most difference.

Years after Ilos, Shepard and Kaidan were both a little older, and maybe a little wiser. They both had their scars, physical and mental, and those scars shaped who they were now, but they’d accepted each other, and gave the other a shoulder to lean on when they needed it.

For the first time in a long time, Shepard felt a sense of peace. She knew where her life was going, she knew she had a family, blood or not, and she was moving forward rather than dwelling on the past. She knew the scars the war had left on her would still be there and there would still be nightmares, but she had someone to lean on and to pull her back into the waking world when they tried to drag her down.

She’d come a long way from the morning she got drunk on her front porch and thought about killing herself.

She and Kaidan had only been engaged for a few days, but she’d already put in her notice at Purgatory. The club had given her a job and friends when she’d needed it, but she didn’t think her friends among the staff were surprised at her notice.

“Bout time,” Marnus remarked when she came in wearing the ring from Kaidan.

Jedrek had asked if Kaidan had enough of a quad to handle Shepard and later toasted the engagement after the three of them had gotten off of their late night shift. She’d only be at Purgatory for another two weeks, though the three of them promised to get together for Arena matches when Shepard visited the Citadel in the future.

A perfectly sober, as always now, Shepard, headed back to the apartment in the early hours of the morning. Kaidan had been more amused of the hours she kept because of work than anything else, and she’d promised she’d get on a more normal schedule when she left with him and the Normandy in a couple of weeks.

She was waiting for a skycab when her omnitool pinged with an alert she hadn’t heard in months. She pulled up the screen to read Rahna’s message, wondering what Kaidan’s former fiancé might be contacting her about. She was also surprised to see a new last name Rahna’s message signature.

_To: AShepard_

_From: RChapman_

_Hey Shepard,_

_I know this is a bit out of the blue, but I was wonder how you were doing…how you and Kaidan were doing? You are taking care of him, right?_

_I’ve been keeping busy here in London. The school I’m teaching at is wonderful. There’s so much potential in these kids, and it’s nice to know that they will learn in a far different environment than I did, and that they’ll live in a Reaper free world. Sure, there are still monsters in the world, but some of the biggest ones are gone._

_I met a doctor in my first month back. Fitzwilliam is amazing..gentle…and perhaps best for me, not tied to a career in the military and constantly on deployment. Sure, he has long hours, but so do I, and I actually see him most days. When I look at him I realize I made the right decision for me, for Kaidan, and probably for you too._

_It’s weird to say, but thank you, Shepard. In a way, what you told me about your struggle since the war pushed me to make the best decision for me, to actually start living and not just doing what everyone expected me to do._

_Fitzwilliam and I got married last month. I wake up every morning and look at the gift life has given me, and I smile. I hope that’s something that you and Kaidan will get someday. I can’t tell where this journey will take me next, but I know that I look forward to it._

_Carry on Shepard, and I will too,_

_Rahna Chapman_

 

Shepard blinked as she reread the message.

She was happy Rahna had finally found her own way. Really, truly happy for the other woman. Their paths had intersected in such an odd way. Their paths had diverged again, and in a way that had worked out for both of them. She saved the message, thinking she would show it to Kaidan later. He’d be glad that Rahna had found her own happy ending.

Her attention was pulled back to the present by the arrival of the skycab. She climbed in and regarded her omnitool for a long moment before sending a message back.

_To: RChapman_

_From: AShepard_

_Hey Rahna,_

_I think you were right about second chances. I got lucky and got a second chance that some people never get, but I had to be willing to take what it offered._

_Congratulations to you and Fitzwilliam. It sounds as if you’ve really found where you belong. I’ve done a lot of searching along those lines myself over the past few months, to finally figure out where I should be. I suppose I belong where I always have, on the Normandy, though in a different capacity than in the past. I’m not a Captain in the Navy anymore, I don’t have that weight riding my shoulders. Now I’ll just be on the Normandy with Kaidan, as his partner, and later, his wife. It’s nice to think that, for once, I won’t be worrying about wars or missions. Instead I’ll be living my life and just being where I belong._

_I’ll keep watching over Kaidan, I promise. Thank you, Rahna, for everything you’ve done._

_Be Well,_

_Audra Shepard_  
  


She sighed and hit send, leaning back in the skycab and just watched the night sights fly by. Everything had a sense of rightness to it right now.

Kaidan was asleep on the couch when she entered the apartment, her copy of Frankenstein laying open on his chest. She smiled at the sight and removed the book, carefully shutting it and setting it on the table. She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

Kaidan’s warm amber and brown eyes fluttered open and he chuckled softly when he saw her, pushing himself up off the couch. “Finally home I see,” he said softly as he wrapped an arm around her.

“You didn’t have to wait up,” she said as she leaned into his embrace.

“Didn’t have to, but I wanted to,” Kaidan replied. “And thank you for waking me up. For you, I’ll always wake up.”

She chuckled softly as he drew her lips to his for a kiss, letting the warmth of his body suffuse her own. “Come on, love, lets go to bed,” she said as he pulled back at last. He took her hand and lead her up the stairs towards their bedroom…their bedroom, in their apartment, she loved the sound of that.

Their apartment. That got her thinking again. Maria had already sold Joseph’s place in Coronado, saying she didn’t intend to go back but for visits, particularly since she’d be marrying an Asari. Shepard had been renting her condo out, but it was probably time to sell. Whenever they visited earth, unless it was a particular base, it would probably be at Kaidan’s mother’s place in Vancouver or at the orchard. Letting go of her condo would be another way of putting those painful months behind her. She made a mental note to look into selling it later that day.

She looked across the bed at Kaidan as she started changing into an old tshirt of his and shorts for bed, thinking about the past, and the future.

“You think your mom could get to the Citadel on short notice?” she asked him.

Kaidan cocked his head as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “If it’s important and we get her ticket, within a few days,” he replied after a moment. “Why?”

Shepard flashed him a smile that made his heart do little flips. “What would you say to getting married before the Normandy ships off again? Start the flight as husband and wife?”

He lifted his brows. “I do like the idea of something small,” he admitted. “And as long as I have you, it doesn’t have to be very traditional.”

“We can get Hackett to officiate, so we don’t cause any buzz among the Council or anything,” she said. “Get some of your friends and mine of the Citadel together, and of course the Normandy crew, and your mother.”

“What kind of ceremony did you want?” Kaidan asked curiously, tugging her onto the bed with him so he could hold her. She landed in his lap, leaning her head back against his shoulder.

“I say surprise everybody,” she said. “Well except for Hackett. Invite them all to celebrate something…reunion, or hell, Victory day is coming up in a week and a half. We can claim its celebrating the anniversary of the defeat of the Reapers, then surprise them all. Maria’s due on the Citadel in a few days, so she and Mayekaa can come, and of course Kolyat, Erisa, and their daughter.”

Kaidan chuckled softly and kissed her ear. “Mm, and we’d have my mother and the Normandy crew here…there’s one or two officers I know who are on the Citadel now I’d like to invite. And yes, definitely Kolyat and Erisa.”

Kaidan recalled being reintroduced to Thane’s son. He’d met the drell when he’d been in the hospital at the same time Thane had been, after Mars. He knew Kolyat and Erisa played a large role in pulling Shepard back into the waking world, and since Shepard was their daughter’s godmother, they were, by extension, family. Kolyat had surprised Kaidan on one visit, telling Kaidan he was happy to see someone make Shepard smile again.

They certainly had one strange but wonderful family.

“Alright then, we’ll send invitations to a Victory party, after we’ve talked to Hackett later today,” Kaidan said. “And I’ll talk my mom into flying up to the Citadel.”

“Perfect,” Shepard grinned. She shifted in his lap and he groaned softly. “I think we’re both awake now, love. How about a little fun before bed?” She grinned wolfishly at him.

Kaidan growled softly and rolled her into her back.

 

 


	21. But With You, I Feel Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're just about at the end folks. Here's the happy ending after all the earlier angst. Hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Feel Again" copyright One Republic

_“Feel Again” – One Republic_

_It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face_   
_I've been everywhere and back trying to replace_   
_Everything that I broke till my feet went numb_   
_Praying like a fool who just shot a gun_   
_Heart still beating but it's not working_   
_It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing_   
_I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing_   
_Oh my heart is numb_

_But with you, I feel again_   
_And with you, I can feel again_

_But with you (I'm feeling better since you know me)_   
_I feel again (I was a lonely soul but that's the old me)_   
_Yeah with you (I'm feeling better since you know me)_   
_I can feel again (I was a lonely soul)_

 

Audra Shepard could feel the difference.

Over a year and a half ago she’d woken up from a drunken stupor on her front porch, contemplating only the pain she was in, the emptiness she felt, and the thought of surrendering herself to complete Oblivion. Then a single message, a reminder that life still went on, despite all the pain, pinged on her omni-tool. That message, and then the later support of friends, had forced her to drag herself back to the land of the living.

She’d tried to numb herself totally, unable to feel or think of anything beyond the pain that wracked her mind and her body. But her friends, her family, had taught her just how to feel again.

Last night had been her last night a Purgatory, and after her shift there’d been a final party with her coworkers, her friends. Jedrak and Marnus would always be counted among her friend, and perhaps her twisted little family. They promised visits and matches when the Normandy docked at the Citadel.

Calling in a favor, Shepard had managed to get Maria put on leave for a couple of days, so she and Mayekaa were on the Citadel, staying at a hotel since Kaidan’s mother was in the apartment guest room. Maria thought Shepard and Kaidan’s plan for a party to commemorate the anniversary of the Reapers destruction was a bit odd, and she might suspect something was up, but she never said anything aloud.

Shepard was just as glad. She and Kaidan wanted this to be casual and fun, a celebration rather than something stuffy and formal, though she did think Kaidan looked damn good in his dress blues.

They’d invited the entire Normandy crew, past and present, as well as Admiral Hackett (that one raised a brow or two but no one was going to argue with The Commander Shepard), as well as Kolyat, Esira, their daughter, and Esira’s family. Her brother and father had been surprised by the invitation but pleased to come.

Zaeed agreed to come as long as there was booze and as long as Jack was there. That request had made Shepard wonder, but she didn’t pry too much, because Zaeed had never pried too much into her personal life either. Her salty “older brother” had his own way of doing things, and Shepard thought in some ways Jack matched his wild ways, had he hers.

Samara was the only person who knew the full extend of their plans, though Liara might be aware, being the Shadow Broker and all. How or why Samara had somehow gotten the authority to preside over human weddings (and probably other species other than Asari as well), Shepard didn’t ask, but asking the Justicar to perform the ceremony seemed right.

She woke up that morning with Kaidan’s arm firmly wrapped around her and pressing her nude form against his own. She’d smiled at the sight, and though he wasn’t a morning person, she awoke him with a kiss, which quickly turned to something more seriously and forestalled either of them getting out of bed for another hour.

When they were both showered and dress, she in her usual black cargo pants and N7 t-shirt, and he in Alliance Casuals (she wasn’t sure he even owned civilian clothing other than the tux she’d seen at Garrus and Tali’s wedding), they made their way to the kitchen, where Mayekaa manned the stove, making omelets that were almost as good as James’s.

Mayekaa grinned at Kaidan and Shepard as they came down the stairs, sliding them each a cup of coffee from Shepard’s ever present coffee pot. Kaidan had bought one they could put in the Captains cabin when she joined him on the Normandy when it shipped out in a few days, knowing her now-aversion to alcohol and her reliance on the black liquid.

Elena Alenko gazed with some amusement at the Asari and human woman in the kitchen as she sat on her own barstool and sipped her coffee. She regarded her son and future daughter in law with an expression similar to Mayekaa’s. Shepard and Kaidan knew they weren’t fooling anyone with their bedroom activities, but no one seemed to mind.

“Good morning dear,” Elena told Kaidan as he kissed her cheek

“Morning Mom,” he replied. “Sleep well?”

“I did,” Elena replied with a smile. “You have a fine home away from the Normandy,” she continued, glancing around the apartment.

Shepard smiled. “The same offer for Maria and Mayekaa extends to you, Elena,” she said. “Any time you want to come up here, you can. We’ll make sure you have a key before you leave.”

“Thank you dear,” Elena replied, beaming at Shepard. The official meeting after the engagement between the two women had been everything Kaidan had hoped for. Elena had begun mothering Shepard the moment she met her, and Shepard had been happy enough to accept the mothering since she could barely remember her own mother. Someday they hoped to adopt at least one kid to give Elena some grandchildren.                

“So you two shipping out in a few days?” Maria asked from her seat on a barstool at the counter. She was nibbling on a piece of toast slathered in jelly, though Shepard wasn’t sure what kind. Maria had gone shopping for food supplies yesterday and Shepard wasn’t sure what all she’d bought.

“The Normandy is, yes,” Kaidan replied as he kissed Shepard’s cheek before claiming a free barstool and thanking Mayekaa for an omelet complete with extra bacon. “And Shepard’s joining me this time.” He smiled over at his soon-to-be wife. “It’ll make it a bit easier than last time.

“Long distance can be difficult,” Mayekaa sighed. “But not unusual with you Alliance types.” She winked at Maria. “But I guess you two don’t have to worry about that as much, and fraternization rules don’t matter since Shepard is retired.”

“Exactly,” Shepard replied. “I get to go back to the Normandy, but I don’t have to command it anymore, that’s his problem.”

Kaidan gave her a mock mournful look. “Tell us how you really feel, Shepard.”

“I will,” she grinned.

~~

They’d rented one of the larger catered venues that they could find on the Citadel. Between her retirement and Kaidan’s officer pay, they could afford it. Shepard regarded the décor as she and Kaidan ran through a couple of last minute preparations. They were both still in casual clothing, and Shepard cackled as she looked at the room. “The press is going to be so mad,” she said to Kaidan.

“Sometimes, Shepard, I think you do things just to see who you can annoy,” Samara said in a serene voice as she entered the room. She glanced around and nodded. “A calm place, and no doubt one that will be full of life this evening. Thank you for asking me to come.”

“Samara, I don’t know if we could have asked anyone else,” Shepard replied. “Except maybe Hackett, and that would have required something quite a bit more elaborate.” She looked around at the tables decorated in bright colors and the tables set out for buffets later that night, then the dance floor with a 1970s style disco ball someone had managed to dig up. “This is what we want.”

“You two deserve it,” Samara said. “You have both been through much, but have remained true to yourselves, and your own important ideals. I am proud to call you friend, Shepard.”

“That means a lot, Samara,” Shepard said, surprising the Justicar and hugging her.

Kaidan had noticed that when he and Shepard started dating again. Slowly she became more comfortable in her own skin, and more willing to accept affection again. It frightened him a little to think of how she must have been while recovering. He remembered the day he’d seen her at Joseph’s funeral. He’d seen some of her old strength, but somewhere in her eyes he wondered how much of it was a brittle strength, and if someone held her too tightly she’d break.

He would be forever grateful for the day she decided to live again.

They checked last minute placements and menu items, and a few hours later, people began trickling in.

They had set up a play area for kids, but also arranged for two Asari nannies in a nearby room for parents who might need a short break from kids. Jacob, Brynn, and Esin were some of the first to arrive, and Esin was immediately enchanted by a brightly colored ball that lit up and bounced itself around the play area.

Jacob grinned at Shepard as he pulled Brynn to his side, though they both kept half an eye on their daughter. “So I hear you two are going to get hitched,” he said. “Know when yet?”

“We’re still working out details,” Kaidan lied as smoothly as any Spectre Audra had known in response to Jacob’s question.

“Well let us know,” Brynn said, smiling demurely at Shepard. “This was a good idea, a chance for everyone to celebrate our freedom and safety from the Reapers.” She glanced towards the Esin and Shepard swore the other woman was glowing. “And reminding us of the promise of life.”

Shepard pressed a hand against Brynn’s shoulder, her eyes misting for a moment as the reference went over Kaidan’s head. “Congratulations, Brynn,” she said. “This time though, don’t name them after me, eh?”

“I won’t,” Brynn promised.

Kolyat, Esira, Irikah, and Esira’s brother and father appeared next. Shepard stole Irikah away for a few minutes while the drell chatted with Kaidan, flying the now toddler around like a space ship, much to the shrieking child’s delight. She grinned as she finally handed Irikah back to Esira. “And I promise a few more toys when I visit in two days,” she told the toddler conspiratorially. “Since it will be a little while before Aunty Audra sees you again.”

Esira’s father, Tanok, laughed as he took the toddler. “You are in danger of spoiling her, Shepard,” he mock scolded her.

“Can’t have her liking Aunty Audra any more than her uncle,” Rahu, Esira’s brother added. Both drell smiled at Irikah’s human godmother though. They’d gotten along well with Maria and Mayekaa when Shepard had had everyone over for dinner one evening while the Normandy had been out, and Shepard knew her “family” had grown since then.

“Bah, Uncle Rahu and Grandfather Tanok will spoil her far more than I while the Normandy is out,” Audra replied.

“Possibly,” Tanok admitted without embarrassment.

The five drell went to catch up with Maria and Mayekaa then, who had slipped in while Kaidan and Shepard were talking to Brynn and Jacob. Others came and went past Shepard and Kaidan, each taking their own time to greet the couple. Grunt was there, with apologies from Wrex and Bakarra. The female Krogan was expecting their next daughter any day now, so they hadn’t been able to travel.

Tali, in a lighter version of her suit that Shepard remembered, was there with Garrus of course. Ken and Gabby arrived with them, tugging Joker along, though the pilot seemed reluctant to be around so many people.

That reminded Shepard of the surprise they had for Joker. Neither she, Miranda, or Oriana had told Joker yet what they’d managed to finagle out with the help of a Quarian engineer who had decided he wanted to remain on the Citadel rather than going to his homeworld. Hackett had been warned, and he’d been skeptical at first, but after some reassurance from Shepard, he’d accepted that there would be an unshackled VI on the Normandy again, with some modifications.

Steve and James arrived together, as always, and she hugged them both tightly. “Thank you, Steve, James, for everything…I don’t know if I’d be here without you.”

She felt Kaidan’s hand tighten on her shoulder at the words, but he stepped up and exchanged firm grips with the couple. “Thanks to both of you, for being there when she needed it.”

James grinned. “I’m just glad to be getting Shepard back on the Normandy,” he replied. “Maybe she’ll soften you up a bit.”

“Or the Major might make you drop and give him twenty,” Cortez replied with a grin. He looked at Shepard and Kaidan and nodded. “But yeah, you two, I think you’re good together, even if it took you both awhile to figure it out.”

“It did,” Shepard agreed. She glanced at Kaidan. “But it was totally worth it.”

As food was laid out, and the bar opened (Shepard had decided that while she avoided alcohol, she couldn’t expect everyone else to, and after months of working at a club she wasn’t worried about maintaining her own sobriety, and it helped that Liara’s father, Matriarch Aethyta , was manning the bar). She saw Zaeed and Jack there first, both challenging each other to drink some sort of flaming shot that Aethyta had cooked up. Shepard just shook her head at the pair.

Hackett regarded the whole thing with some faint amusement as he sat at a table talking with Liara and Javik. He was deep in conversation with the Prothean, and as Shepard neared, she realized they were discussing technology and what humans might be able to learn from Prothean tech. Shepard was surprised to see Hackett in something other than uniform though. The older man actually looked casual in khakis and a deep Alliance blue button down shirt. Interesting.

“Shepard,” he greeted her as she approached. “You and the Major do throw an interesting party, don’t you? But you never did anything by the books.”

“That hasn’t changed noticeably since I retired, Sir,” Shepard replied, an old habit dying hard.

Hackett’s expression softened. “I’m glad you two have each other,” he said to her. “And since you’re retired, regs aren’t any kind of issue now. You deserve a bit of happiness after all you’ve done for this galaxy.”

“Thank you, Hackett,” she said in a low tone. She was surprised when the older man then stood and pulled her into a hug. She felt more shock when she saw tears in his eyes when he pulled back.

“Anderson would be damn proud of you, you know,” Steve Hackett said. “I know you and I don’t have quite the same footing, but if you need anything, do not hesitate to call me.

She felt a little misty eyed as she left that table, and Kaidan looked at her with some concern as she approached him. “You okay?” he asked.

She nodded and wiped her eyes with a tissue from one pocket. “I’m fine…just old memories, wishes of those who didn’t make it to be here.”

Kaidan enveloped her in his arms. “You did everything you could, Audra, and they’re looking down on you now,” he told her as he pressed a kiss against her cheek.

The music had stopped then and he tugged her lightly towards the front of the room. “Come on,” he said. “I know what will put a smile on your face.”

Shepard’s eyes lit as the two of them walked to the front of the room. There was a microphone set up, and Shepard took it, looking out at the crowd of family and friends that had come to celebrate with them.

“Thank you, everyone who came today,” Shepard said. “The past few years have been both sorrowful, and joyful, for all of us, and it seemed right to get everyone together to celebrate.” She glanced towards Kaidan, his whiskey brown eyes fixed on her with all the love in his being shining in that gaze. “It’s been quite a journey over the past several months. I lost my way for awhile, locked myself away, and didn’t want to feel anything. But then you all, my family and my friends, reminded me how to feel again. You reminded me how to live again. I have to thank you for that.”

She heard some clapping and then continued. “Of all those who helped me put myself back together, perhaps the biggest surprise was that the Major and I got a third chance…a chance that some people never get. I’ve learned not to squander that. So right here, right now, Kaidan Alenko and I are going to make it official.”

She heard some gasps, and what sounded like a couple of people telling others to pay up, one of whom she knew had to be Vega.

Samara moved gracefully from the side of the room to stand before Kaidan and Shepard, taking the couples’ hands in her own and holding them together.

“We are gathered to celebrate the joining of two lives in a sacred bond,” Samara announced to the throng. “Through sorrow and pain, through joy and grace, these two will carry each other through. They have prepared their own vows to recite to one another.”

“Audra Shepard,” Kaidan began. “It’s been a long, hard ride, but all of it, the good and the bad, brought me here to your side. We’ve both made our mistakes, and we’ve had our make ups. I love you, Audra, now and forever. Through all that joy and pain, for the rest of our lives, I will stand beside you as your husband.”

“Kaidan Alenko,” Audra spoke in a sure, firm voice, despite the butterflies in her chest, “You and I didn’t take the easy way around to get here, but we made it all the same. You had your missteps, and I had mine. But somehow, we made it back into each other’s arms. Our mistakes and our reunions have only made the two of us stronger. I’ll stand by you now as your wife, for all the days of our lives.”

Samara smiled at them both. “And so by the authority invested in me by the Counsel, I pronounce you Bondmates, Husband and Wife.  Exchange your rings, and then I believe this is where humans traditionally say that you may kiss.”

Kaidan slid a white gold band onto Shepard’s finger beside the ruby engagement ring, and she did the same beside his sapphire engagement ring. Then he swept her up in his arms and kissed her firmly, a promise for later that night when they were alone.

Audra had thought a lot about the next part over the past few days before making her decision. To the galaxy, Commander Shepard was an Icon, someone to either look up to or vilify. Now though, she just wanted to be herself. So the decision hadn’t been all that hard. The name Shepard was one she’d picked when she’d left the Reds and joined the Alliance at 18. Before then she’d never known her real last name. Now though, she was choosing one she would quite happily wear for the rest of her life.

When they finally parted, Samara gestured towards the room. “I now have the honor of presenting Kaidan and Audra Alenko.”

 


	22. Just Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue of sorts. Thank you for everyone who read through the story and left comments and kudos. I hope you enjoyed Audra's tale. I may do a few one shots with Hannah and Robert Alenko during their childhood later on down the line.
> 
> I've been mildly inspired to try and AU modern story with Audra, obviously different storyline with just some elements remaining the same, but not quite sure how well that would go over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning a New Song  
> A Mass Effect Fan Fic  
> Pairing: Past Kaidan Alenko/FShep, Past Thane Krios/FShep  
> Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Destroy Ending  
> Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect, Song "Don't Blink" copyright Kenny Chesney

_“Don’t Blink” – Kenny Chesney_

_Don't blink_  
_Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you_  
_Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife_  
_Don't blink_  
_You just might miss your babies growing like mine did_  
_Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"_  
_Of fifty years is there in bed_  
_And you're praying God takes you instead_  
_Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think_  
_So don't blink_

**_Twenty years later_ **

“Hannah Alenko, Bachelor of Science in Archeology,” the Asari speaker intoned as the tall, brown haired and blue eyed daughter of Kaidan and Audra Alenko crossed the stage. 

Hannah grinned, stopping her parents and younger brother in the crowd as she accepted her diploma and then stepped off the stage, rejoining her fellow classmates of the Citadel University Class of 2209.

Irikah Krios tugged on her arm to get her attention as they settled back into their seats. Irikah had graduated with a degree in Biology and would be going on to medical school soon. While there was now a cure for Kepral’s Syndrome, Irikah wanted to find a way to eradicate it all together in honor of the grandfather she had never met.

Audra shifted in her seat in the audience beside Kaidan, noting her daughter was head to head with Irikah again. Those two had been almost inseparable in school. She knew they’d keep in close contact when Hannah went to spend the next several months on a dig on Thessia under Liara’s careful guidance. She had a feeling their oldest would do well.

She remembered the day she and Kaidan had come across Hannah on a human colony some nineteen years before. Kaiden and Audra had been married a year at that point and the Normandy had docked on a human colony to investigate some of the Reaper remains beyond the human settlements. While Kaidan and his team had been out in the field, Audra had taken the opportunity to investigate the settlement, see how people were fairing and general feelings in order to take information back to the human Counselor, a sharp older woman named Vanessa Odessen.

During that investigation, Audra had come upon a colony orphan who had wandered away from the lax gaze of her caretakers. Audra hadn’t originally believed the girl was four, as small and skinny as she was. When she’d saved the girl from a few unsavory characters, the girl had clung so tightly to her it reminded Audra far too much of her own childhood in an orphanage. When Kaidan had returned to the Normandy, Audra had asked him immediately if they could adopt the girl.

And so two had become three, and the Alenkos became a family. The orphanage hadn’t even been sure of the girl’s real name since her parents had been killed during the Reaper War. When Audra had asked him if he’d be willing to adopt the girl, the answering smile on his face had been all she needed. Five years later they’d adopted a little boy.

Kaidan wrapped an arm around his wife’s shoulders and kissed her cheek. “What are you thinking right now?” he asked.”

Audra smiled. “How lucky we are…and just how quickly time has passed. Robert is going to be graduating high school soon, our kids are all grown up. I blink and they go from toddlers to teenagers.”

Kaidan’s arm tightened around her a moment and he nodded. By now his hair had gone completely gray, but they then they were both in their fifties. Her dark hair was liberally streaked with gray as well. And while neither were as fit as they’d been during their military days, they were still both in fair shape. Kaidan had retired ten years after they’d marriage and they’d settled on the Citadel, close to Kolayt and Esira and Irikah.

Family gatherings were often rowdy, with Kolayt, Irikah, Esira, as well as Esira’s father and brother, Jack and Zaeed, who’d actually gone to Earth to Vegas to get married and shocked everyone a few years after Kaidan and Audra’s wedding. Steve and James were usually there, along with Maria and Mayekaa and their daughter, and Liara and Javik and their daughters when they could make it, then Garrus, Tali, and their son.

And everyone was here now. Hannah and Robert had grown up with a huge family, very few of whom were actually related by blood. Audra had figured out long ago though that family was more often than not what you make of it, not necessarily who was really related to you.

“Thank you, Kaidan,” Audra said, glancing up at her husband, her eyes wet, but he knew they were tears of joy, not sorrow. The sorrow that had cloaked his wife when they’d reunited all those many years ago was washed away by years of love and the family, both immediate and extended, that they had made together.

“Thank you, Audra,” Kaidan replied, kissing her knuckles. “And here’s to another twenty or more years.”

“Really dad?” Robert asked from his seat beside Kaidan. He rolled his eyes at his parents.

“Really, Robby,” Audra replied with a laugh.

“I hope you two don’t do this at my high school graduation,” Robert mumbled.

“Don’t blink, Robby,” Audra said softly to her son. “You’ll never realize just how quickly time passes until you’re older.”


End file.
